Be yourself; everyone else is taken. ~ Oscar Wilde
The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong. ~ Laura Ingalls Wilder
To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
Honesty has always been a cornerstone of my life. I remember when I was little, me and some of my friends stole something from a store.
The guilt was too much. I told my mother. Sure, my friends were angry with me. But I had my self-respect back.
However, my true self often was buried under self-hatred and recriminations. I felt that I was not good enough, and I often wanted to re-invent myself.
But that is not possible.
Then my true self became buried under anorexia. I thought of myself as an honest person, but anorexia is inherently dishonest. You lie to yourself: I am not thin/sick/dying. You lie to others: I already ate/I'm too full/I am a vegetarian...vegan...gluten-sensitive...fruitarian...sugar-free...flour-free...Oh, forget it, I just CAN'T eat that. Or in the hospital: I can't eat red meat; it bothers my stomach. I can't eat bacon because of the sodium nitrite. I can't have salad dressing because...
Anorexia forces you to lie simply because the illness thrives in secrecy.
To live my life with honesty means to live it authentically. It is only now, in my forth decade, that I feel I am truly living my life with full honesty. I know what I believe, and I live it. I know who I am, and that is okay.
I recently confessed to my psychiatrist that I was NOT sensitive to beef, but just said that because I was afraid of the calories. And I can eat bacon, too.
5 comments:
Honesty is so vital and I appreciate you showing vulnerable bits of yourself in order to prove that point. I'm glad you picked up the blogger challenge again. Keep it going - you have a worthy voice. :-)
In my recovery group it is oft quoted "honesty begins on the plate" ....nice huh?
What you said about the EDis making us lie is ....oh so true.
"You're only as sick as your secrets." <--that's another one we say.
I know this may seem like a random and out-of-place question, but: Do they really make you eat bacon when you're in the hospital recovering from anorexia??!! I've never been IP for my ed, but I simply cannot imagine that. The word 'cruel' comes to mind.
@Neonorangeds
The first day of IP, the standard breakfast is *usually* bacon and eggs. Then you get to choose, so no, they don't have to eat bacon. And typically the first day, you can refuse, although I always promise my ED doctor I'm going to eat 100 percent (because I feel like I'm such a pain in the ass as a patient.)
You should know that I don't go to an IP unit that is solely for EDs....it is a psychiatric unit for different people. I go there because that is where my ED doctor practices out of, and I choose to continue treatment with him.
Unfortunately, I've had eight IPs and one PHP, plus another IP at Rogers Memorial (but I left twenty-four hours later AMA.) I think I'm a slow learner...
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