26 September 2011

Saying goodbye...

David and I said goodbye to each other tonight. There will be no reconciliation. No more attempts to salvage our 15-year-marriage.

No more sharing the love we still feel for each other...No more nights on the couch watching old movies. No more holding hands in church as we sung hymns and recited the Psalms. No more Sunday afternoon lunches at Ruby Tuesday's.

No more.

It is over, and there is no going back.

I thought we would make it this time. It looked so very promising. But in the end, David decided that he doesn't want to be married to anyone. He wants to be single and alone, and has said he will never marry again. He says I am the love of his life, and that he will always love me. But he feels we can't stay together and he still maintain his freedom and his art.

And thus it has ended.

Now I must move forward. I strangely ate more tonight than I have for weeks. It was as if my body was guiding me to the nutrition I needed after being so drained by this.

I will always love him. But I will move forward, and hope some day to have a full and loving relationship with someone who loves me as I am and will stay.

I couldn't compete with a life of freedom and riding motorcycles and hanging out at the bar with his brother's band at 3 a.m. I couldn't compete with a life of no restrictions and being responsible only for himself.

Our love just wasn't strong enough to fight all these forces.

And that is really it for now. I have nothing more to say at this time.