26 September 2011

Saying goodbye...

David and I said goodbye to each other tonight. There will be no reconciliation. No more attempts to salvage our 15-year-marriage.

No more sharing the love we still feel for each other...No more nights on the couch watching old movies. No more holding hands in church as we sung hymns and recited the Psalms. No more Sunday afternoon lunches at Ruby Tuesday's.

No more.

It is over, and there is no going back.

I thought we would make it this time. It looked so very promising. But in the end, David decided that he doesn't want to be married to anyone. He wants to be single and alone, and has said he will never marry again. He says I am the love of his life, and that he will always love me. But he feels we can't stay together and he still maintain his freedom and his art.

And thus it has ended.

Now I must move forward. I strangely ate more tonight than I have for weeks. It was as if my body was guiding me to the nutrition I needed after being so drained by this.

I will always love him. But I will move forward, and hope some day to have a full and loving relationship with someone who loves me as I am and will stay.

I couldn't compete with a life of freedom and riding motorcycles and hanging out at the bar with his brother's band at 3 a.m. I couldn't compete with a life of no restrictions and being responsible only for himself.

Our love just wasn't strong enough to fight all these forces.

And that is really it for now. I have nothing more to say at this time.


Sensory Overload said...

So sorry Angela.

It seems to me that you tried and did all you could and can to maintain what you so very much wanted to have and hold.

I hope that you will be able to move in the strength and wisdom that you have. As well; I hope that you will allow yourself the space to grieve.

My deep thoughts of hope, prayers of support and energy of light and love I send to you.

Wishing I could extend a real time hug.

With deep respect,


Ashley Noelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashley Noelle said...

**Sorry I had to edit my answer; one of my sentence totally made no sense grammar-wise***

Sometimes, love is not enough to keep things together. The act of love in this case is to let go of your marriage.

I really do believe that we don't get more than what we can handle. This may seem overwhelming, heartbreaking, difficult, and scary time for you to endure. At the same time, this has shown how strong you are,and how remarkably your strength is to get you through this.

The only thing I do worry now is about making sure you do maintain your eating and not falling into the trap of Anorexia. You have come too far to go back. Allow your strength become your buoy to continue your recovery. You are so worth it.

I am sorry that David cannot meet you halfway. He has lost someone beautiful, amazing,and wonderful. You do deserve so, so, so much.

In time, everything will make sense.

We all are here for you via blogging world, or Facebook. I am here for you too.


Candace said...

I rally believe you gave it your all to salvage your marriage; and that it takes real courage to accept that love does not conquer all.

A new chapter begins for you; and tho you will grieve, you will endure and move on to happier times.

Anorexia is not a refuge, but a prison, and you deserve to be free.



Tiger said...

You are so incrediably brave. I have faith in you. Please try everything in your arsenal of self-care to not use your anorexia as a buffer between you and what is undoubtably overwhelming heartache.
And thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support by the way. You exude more empathy in one line of feedback than most people receive in a lifetime. Be safe.