31 August 2011

One year later

As I lean back into your arms/ I am transported to a time/ Where everything was safe/ And nothing could touch the love/ Surrounding us./ Take my hand/ As we revist the dark time/ One last time/ And then what destroyed us/ Will be banished Forever/ And we will move forward...

One year ago today, David and I separated for the first time. The driving wedge, of course, was anorexia nervosa. Our marriage was shaken by years of this illness, in which I illogically starved myself to a wraith-like thinness. I thought I was achieving control and perfection, when in reality my entire life was crumbling at my feet.

I am a Phoenix/ The ashes of anorexia/ Burning through my soul/ And finally blowing away/ Like so much dust/ Never to rise again/ Instead I will rise/ Free from the demonic hold/ of this mean disease

It has been a long road. We briefly reunited, only to be driven apart again in December. Anorexia was the third partner in our marriage, and eliminated all joy and laughter from our lives.

The Dark Time/ Is beginning to pass/ And the light of my soul/ Sings to God/ Grateful for his Grace/ And second chances/ At life and love

For a long time, I believed my marriage was over. Then a miracle occured, and David and I began marriage counseling and the long and painful process of coming back together. This week we discussed how my struggles with anorexia impacted both of us. He was afraid he would wake up and find me dead one morning. That is an awful truth to live with and think about each day.

There were times I hoped I would die in my sleep. I was tired. Tired of fighting this illogical disease. Tired of hoping, only to see each effort at recovery implode as anorexia again wormed its way into my brain.

I am much healthier now. I am at a healthy weight, and interestingly two people mentioned yesterday how much better I look this semester than during the past few years of graduate school.

And I know that soon David and I will be reunited. I am very fortunate. This post one year later could have been one of sorrow and pain, of me still sick and fighting any attempts at recovery.

I have learned much. I don't want anorexia to come back into my life again, because there is no life in anorexia.

And in the end, I want life...

NOTE: This post reflects the reality of my life at the time written. Things have drastically changed, and I hope to write a post about these changes when I feel I am able to. I have approved all comments sent to me, because I respect and am touched by anyone who feels moved to comment on the things I have written. But please, no more well-wishes or comments about being happy for me, etc. It is too painful. I hope all of you understand, and I will explain further when I am able to.

7 comments:

Ashley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashley said...

Beautiful.

I am so happy for you, Angela, because I have always known that you will overcome your struggles with Anorexia and continue your path to becoming a person you deserve to be. And I'm also a sucker for romance....so I'm very glad to learn this about your husband and you working through this and making your marriage work.

Hugs.

PS: Sorry, I had to fix my grammar error which was why I deleted my comment earlier! :)

Angela E. Lackey said...

Thank you so much, Ashley. Marriage is sometimes work, but the love and joy are well worth it. Unfortunately, anorexia does make things harder in *all* areas of life.

Don't worry about deleting the comment. I do that sometimes, too, because I dislike typos and errors!

Sensory Overload said...

Angela,

So beautiful that which you've shared.

I hope you are able to see that the work you've done is not for naught at all. An eating disorder obviously can challenge not just the person suffering but those around.

I'm so glad to hear that you've been able to come to where you are.

I hope you can continue to find YOU and embrace who and all that you are. Whatever LIFE means for you, my hope is that you are able to live it and be it no matter what.

You've brought hope and light to others and I am grateful for this.

The very best to you and yours.

With light and hope for continued wellness. :)

I Hate to Weight said...

this is the greatest.

and i am beyond thrilled that you and David are working things through. it's always seemed that you belong together.

yay.

Broken-hearted-girl ♥ said...

Oh, I loved the very last part. And it's great that you want to live...

M said...

I'm so happy for you. I've been following your blog for a while and I think you're amazing! I'm so thrilled you and David are working things through and I hope you continue to recover and flourish and find who you really are. All the best!
M xx