31 May 2012

Hungry For Change and Arielle Lee Bair June Blogger Challenge

I am pleased to announce that I will be joining in the June Blogger Challenge created by Hungry for Change in partnership with ED blogger extraordinaire Arielle Lee Bair.

For more information, go to Arielle Lee Bair's blog post.

The word for 1 June is "Change."

I'm really looking forward to this monthlong challenge to hone my writing skills. :)

30 May 2012


I'm slipping. Why does this always happen???

I have to fight. And I will.

26 May 2012

Project Health

Since it's oh-so-very trendy to name one's diet/plan for health, I though I would. :)

Here is my plan:
• To drink 8 eight-ounces of fluids a day. This does NOT include caffeinated beverages such as diet soda, coffee, tea, frappucinos, etc.
• To reduce/eliminate my intake of Diet Coke and other diet beverages (the exception being zero-calorie Vitamin Water, and of course, coffee.) Since discovering I could drink diet soda without developing a raging migraine, I have been sucking down Diet Coke like it's water. I'm wondering if this increase consumption has been the cause of ongoing joint aches and stomach problems. And that brings me to...
• Eat foods that cause me less pain. What are those? I don't know, except I do know bland foods help. I have had a long-term battle with IBS which seemed to be correcting itself, and yet now I struggle with stomach pain—sometimes even after eating bland foods.
• Start doing yoga. I became much calmer after I began eating regularly and gaining weight. However, I am still subject to stress like everyone else and now need non-drug ways to deal with it (now that my ED psychiatrist has cut me off from tranquilizers.)
• Read more. I'm learning recovery from anorexia is not just about eating better and weight restoration. It also is about taking care of the whole body. Reading helps relax me and broadens my mind. And that leads to...
• Read the Bible daily. I am a Christian, and yet there is still so much I would like to learn about the Bible and the basis for my faith.
• Continue to dress nicely. This may seem shallow, but when I look pretty, I feel pretty. Too often when I was emaciated, I would wear short, inappropriate mini-skirts and skimpy tops under the delusion that I looked good. I didn't. I looked like I was dying. Which I was.
• Eat more whole foods. Like fruits and vegetables. When I was anorexic, I ate nothing. I wasn't an anorexic who sat nibbling on lettuce and baby carrots. I simply ate very little. Now that I am weight-restored, I would like to introduce into my life the fruits of the earth, if you will.
• Volunteer. Because I need to be out in the world. It keeps me sane, and it makes me whole.
• Take a walk once in awhile.

There you have it. Let Project Health commence. I will keep all of you updated on my progress. Oh, don't worry! I won't be posting any pictures of what I eat on this blog. My food intake is so boring it could be considered a cure for insomnia (I mean, how many pictures of peanut butter on Ritz crackers can anyone look at, anyway???)


ETA Removing influences that either irritate or stress me out. I don't need it.

23 May 2012


I am grateful...
To be alive.
To feel free.
To enjoy food once again.
To no longer be afraid. Or anxious. Or worthless.
I am grateful that I no longer wish to die.
That I no longer pray for death.

I am grateful...
For the love of friends and family.
For the spring's caressing warmth and the bright sunshine.

I am grateful...
To God and for His everlasting mercy.

I am grateful...
For this second chance at life.

07 May 2012


I want to be thin again...it's all I can think about. I'm obsessed again.


Why doesn't my brain just shut-up and let me enjoy recovery??? By no stretch of the imagination am I overweight and I know that logically. But I just can't see it right now. I can't see that I'm a healthy woman with a healthy body, like people tell me. All I see is FAT. (And why am I so afraid of fat, anyway? I truly think it is a symptom of something else, a symptom caused by fear.)

Is anorexia going to haunt me forever???

All I think is after I defend my thesis, I can start restricting again.

I think of size zero and being tiny and how I've let myself go.


I hate being this vulnerable. When will it stop???

Damaging Words: Why Not All Eating Disorder Blogs Are Equal | Surviving ED

Damaging Words: Why Not All Eating Disorder Blogs Are Equal | Surviving ED

New post at HealthyPlace.com

05 May 2012

Thinking about leaving...

I'm thinking about deleting this blog. I mean, does anybody even read it anymore?

There has been so much drama on the Internet lately, and it frankly has me really depressed.

I love writing and sharing with others, but I just don't know.......