07 May 2012

Obsessed

I want to be thin again...it's all I can think about. I'm obsessed again.

Fat...fat....fat....fat....fat....fat........

Why doesn't my brain just shut-up and let me enjoy recovery??? By no stretch of the imagination am I overweight and I know that logically. But I just can't see it right now. I can't see that I'm a healthy woman with a healthy body, like people tell me. All I see is FAT. (And why am I so afraid of fat, anyway? I truly think it is a symptom of something else, a symptom caused by fear.)

Is anorexia going to haunt me forever???

All I think is after I defend my thesis, I can start restricting again.

I think of size zero and being tiny and how I've let myself go.

No...no...no....no....NO!!!!

I hate being this vulnerable. When will it stop???

14 comments:

Angela said...

I would love to know the same thing. When do the obsessive thoughts end? It is such a miserable way to live. You have to find other reasons to stay healthy after you defend your thesis. A new motivation... For me right now, it is so that I can become a yoga teacher. I can't do that if I'm in the throes of anorexia. Yes, the constant thoughts are still there, and I too wonder if anorexia will forever haunt me, but I refuse to let it steal my dreams, and I sure as hell refuse to let it steal my life. I'm always here to talk. You can message me on facebook. I'm going through the same things, so maybe we can encourage each other to keep fighting.

Miss C said...

I'm sorry you are still struggling. I myself struggle with Anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS since I was about 17. I still am obsessed with my body and have recently gained weight which makes me hate myself even more. But, I agree with the other comment it helps when you have others who encourage you to keep fighting.

Missy said...

the more your progress in recovery, that big huge screaming "VOICE" of a thought process will <--- WILL get smaller and smaller, start to get tired, take more naps, then longer periods of hibernation...soon be only able to speak in a weak whisper every once in a while as it awakes from deep rest.

just fight it. say "i hear you" but aw, HAIL NAW!

a feeling is just a feeling and passes and fades unless re-stimulated.

*all things i believe. all things i learned in treatment. all things i have experienced to some degree or another. but i dropped my guard at one point. i re-stimulated.

keep going Angela, there is NOTHING back here for you...NOTHING. It's all ahead of you. Keep your eyes forward.

Sia Jane said...

It will stop when you make it stop.
That is not to say recovery is overnight.
It is to say that you have a choice in how you process those thoughts and counter balance them.
Be that basic CBT or Schema work, or through meditation or other skills such as writing about all the resolves there are for you to keep recovering.
At some point you have to let this go.
Let yourself do that <3

Anonymous said...

I know people with Eating Disorders. Please keep blogging, people are reading. Don't give up the fight, please.

Jacqueline Hough said...

Don't listen to ED. You are doing amazing. ED loves to come in when things are going well. You have come a long way. The future is so bright and ED free for you.
Take care! I'll be rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

hun
size zero equals just that
zero life
zero energy
zero everything
its ed trying to totally lure you in with this constant horrid babble in your head.
Yes zero equals numb which is what ed wants.
Im seriously doubting Angela the real Angela wants a life full of zero.
i would hate for the memories to be of you as zero.
your worth an incredible amount more.
Stick with it.
listen to the logical voice everytime ed is catching you out.
And be the amazing woman you are ed deserves no place in your life.
i guess you need to ask yourself
So if im a size zero now what?
You have the horrid privelige of experience of what ed robs you of.
sorry to ramble xx

yogaduchess1982 said...

There is no such thing as recovery from an eating disorder. Proof is in the pudding.

Anonymous said...

then i must be a pudding yogaduchess lol.
iam completely recovered and living my life to the full,things i never dreamed of!
maybe you just need to believe that recovery from any illness is indeed possible.
Believing in yourself is half the battle.
take care

I Hate to Weight said...

i've been thinking about you lately and felt the need to check your blog.

i actually do believe that there is recovery. for me, the obsession is gone. it's very possible

you're in my prayers, Angela.

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

You can do this, lady. Surround yourself with good, positive stuff and good, positive role models. I believe in you.

Pen said...

This is so depressing to hear! I sure hope you continue to fight! I have been in a Residential facility for 9 weeks and plan to stay for.....as long as it takes. There's no quick fix that's for sure! This is the first time I've look at your blog (or any blog) since last year. Just want you to know I'm still fighting and hope you will do the same!

Pen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Laser Woodbridge VA said...

There is no such thing as recovery from an eating disorder.
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