13 August 2011

Frozen (Searching For God)

Come to Me when you are weak and weary. Rest snugly in My everlasting arms. I do not despise your weakness, My child. Actually, it draws Me closer to you, because weakness stirs my compassion—My yearning to help. Accept yourself in your weariness, know that I understand how difficult your journey has been. ~ Sarah Young, "Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence"

I am frozen. The words dance at the edge of my brain, but are encased in ice and I feel as if I have to chip away at each tiny sliver to release my thoughts and allow them to fly free...And I still feel frozen.

I am weak and weary. I wish I had more faith, but this body — this vessel in which my soul resides — is sometimes a huge source of frustration for me. Each time I see health and strength within my reach, the wind scatters everything just out of reach and I am left chasing shadows, wondering why I can't remain well for more than several months.

Just when I was beginning to feel strong in my recovery from anorexia...Now I face surgery for polyps and cysts, and a CT scan of my right lung because the pre-op chest X-ray showed a pulmonary nodule. I also am taking a strong antibiotic because the pre-op check showed a raging staph infection.

I've already been struggling with body image issues, trying to accept that I am more than twenty pounds heavier than last year. I know that is a good thing, and that I am still too thin and need to gain several more pounds. But I just wish I believed what I hear other women in recovery from their eating disorders say — that my body is good and wonderful just for the things it can do, not because of what I weigh.

People say I am an inspiration. I don't feel like an inspiration, but instead I would love to sometimes crawl into a hole and hide. I'm tired of waiting for real life to begin....when? Damn it, real life is now! Real life is tied up in the messiness of recovery and doctors and tests and surgery and working on reconciliation with my husband, David.

I asked him last night what he wanted from me and he replied, "a strong, independent woman." I feel like I am becoming that woman again, but it is hard with all these other issues swirling around me, pulling at me and making me feel tired and anxious. I want to return to my true, authentic self; someone who loves people and books and learning and doing new things and singing Christmas carols in July and...I want to have enough energy to ride my bike or take a walk, to go out with a friend for lunch or even read a book or magazine.

And it all frustrates me. I'm frankly tired of all this crap with my body.

But I have been working hard to still eat and maintain my weight, in spite of anxiety and nausea induced by the antibiotics. I also have been working hard to understand and honor David's needs, while still honoring my own needs. We both know we have to seek balance, and work on truly talking to and treating each other with love and gentleness.

I am trying to grow closer to God, allowing His love and grace to see me through my fears and anxieties. But that also is sometimes hard, and I sometimes wonder if He even hears me...

However, I have to believe that God does hear me and is with me and eliminate these oppressive feelings of being frozen, frustrated, and anxious that do not help anything, but only makes things worse. I have to believe everything will turn out all right in the end.


Sensory Overload said...


Even if you are struggling, you are still an inspiration for many. Why? Because you share what many might not feel that they themselves can. And in this, they (we) find strength. This is not to say then that you ought carry pressure to hold and be in a space where you do not find yourself stumbling, falling, fighting, fearing, mourning, questioning and then some.

In fact, if you do not, that would probably then make it that less relatable. (I hope this comes across the way I indeed it, but I know there is room for that lost in translation given this medium).

I would say that of growth, the falling, the wondering, the questioning, the feeling like we can go no further; is all part of what makes us that much more aware, wise and stronger.

With you and David; that is an agreement between the two of you, but I will say this much.

We are all singular and he may have his wants of another, as you may as well, but to thyself be true I believe is the utmost of importance. That doesn't mean that one cannot strive to meet something agreed upon by two souls, but I believe one must be okay with ourselves individually and the expectations of another are there for us to agree or not agree upon. (Don't know if that made sense.)

I am sorry to hear and know that you are struggling with physical manifestations that have sidelined you. Are you able to look at them as part of the process and realize that a dip in what has been your awareness of recovery for you, may mean that there is this non-linear aspect?

Geesh, this has turned out to be very rambling. Essentially Angela; you deserve support, goodness, wellness, GRACE and balance. That doesn't usually come without the ebb and flow of what you have shared here.

I truly hope that you are able to embrace feeling "frozen" as part of the process and progress that you are making.

Be kind to you.

*And I apologize if this doesn't make as much sense as I'd like to, translating from feel, to thought, to words expressed.*

Kristina said...

You ARE an inspiration!
Praying for you!


Pen said...

Well, it does often seem like it is just one thing after another doesn't it? I gues this is LIFE and you are living it and YOU are an inspiration! Praying for you!
God Bless! Penny

Missy said...

August 12th!
I am praying for you so hard.
I also feel like you need to pray for the lord to allow you to see how strong you actually are. Right now. As is.

God weaves all things for good. Focus on these lessons and reckonings regarding your body and health as things that will WILL add fruit somewhere and somehow.
It's already happening, of course. It's not fun, but it is.

Did you read today? (18th)This place is where God does his work --and we are more able to receive.