I am sick with a strep infection and I am tired and I feel very discouraged right now. I keep waiting for something inspiring and beautiful to enter into my head, but it doesn't. I keep waiting to think about something hopeful and encouraging to write for all of you, but I fail. The truth is that right now I don't feel hopeful or inspiring or any of those positive things I said I would after changing the name of this blog.
Instead, I feel alone and depressed and physically drained, and I can't imagine anyone ever wanting to spend his life with me. I feel like all of this is my fault, and I deserve to suffer...
Showing posts with label alone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alone. Show all posts
18 November 2011
26 September 2011
Saying goodbye...
David and I said goodbye to each other tonight. There will be no reconciliation. No more attempts to salvage our 15-year-marriage.
No more sharing the love we still feel for each other...No more nights on the couch watching old movies. No more holding hands in church as we sung hymns and recited the Psalms. No more Sunday afternoon lunches at Ruby Tuesday's.
No more.
It is over, and there is no going back.
I thought we would make it this time. It looked so very promising. But in the end, David decided that he doesn't want to be married to anyone. He wants to be single and alone, and has said he will never marry again. He says I am the love of his life, and that he will always love me. But he feels we can't stay together and he still maintain his freedom and his art.
And thus it has ended.
Now I must move forward. I strangely ate more tonight than I have for weeks. It was as if my body was guiding me to the nutrition I needed after being so drained by this.
I will always love him. But I will move forward, and hope some day to have a full and loving relationship with someone who loves me as I am and will stay.
I couldn't compete with a life of freedom and riding motorcycles and hanging out at the bar with his brother's band at 3 a.m. I couldn't compete with a life of no restrictions and being responsible only for himself.
Our love just wasn't strong enough to fight all these forces.
And that is really it for now. I have nothing more to say at this time.
No more sharing the love we still feel for each other...No more nights on the couch watching old movies. No more holding hands in church as we sung hymns and recited the Psalms. No more Sunday afternoon lunches at Ruby Tuesday's.
No more.
It is over, and there is no going back.
I thought we would make it this time. It looked so very promising. But in the end, David decided that he doesn't want to be married to anyone. He wants to be single and alone, and has said he will never marry again. He says I am the love of his life, and that he will always love me. But he feels we can't stay together and he still maintain his freedom and his art.
And thus it has ended.
Now I must move forward. I strangely ate more tonight than I have for weeks. It was as if my body was guiding me to the nutrition I needed after being so drained by this.
I will always love him. But I will move forward, and hope some day to have a full and loving relationship with someone who loves me as I am and will stay.
I couldn't compete with a life of freedom and riding motorcycles and hanging out at the bar with his brother's band at 3 a.m. I couldn't compete with a life of no restrictions and being responsible only for himself.
Our love just wasn't strong enough to fight all these forces.
And that is really it for now. I have nothing more to say at this time.
27 December 2010
Alone again
My husband has left me again. Because of my anorexia. Because as much as I promised to get better, I didn't stick with it. I have been sliding for a while.
He says he still loves me and he took very little with him. That gives me signs of hope that perhaps . . .
But first I must get better. I must recover and stay well. For me. I'm not sure I can do it. But I suppose I will have to try.
I already miss him so much. I just wanted to make him happy. But I have been struggling, and he can't handle it. I don't blame him.
I miss him. I wish he would at least call me...
I probably won't be writing much for a while. I will see. Thank you to everybody who has believed in me and tried to help me.
He says he still loves me and he took very little with him. That gives me signs of hope that perhaps . . .
But first I must get better. I must recover and stay well. For me. I'm not sure I can do it. But I suppose I will have to try.
I already miss him so much. I just wanted to make him happy. But I have been struggling, and he can't handle it. I don't blame him.
I miss him. I wish he would at least call me...
I probably won't be writing much for a while. I will see. Thank you to everybody who has believed in me and tried to help me.
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