June Blogger Challenge: Day 14 — Love

Love

Given the current state of my love life, I'm not sure what to write.

I used to love the idea of love. You know, the white knight in shining armor who would rescue me from all harm. We would marry and live happily ever after.

The fairy tale. Not very original, I admit. But I played out some version of this scenario with my Barbie dolls growing up.

When do we discover the true meaning of love? From our parents? Our friends? Our spouse or significant other?

I now know I was loved by my parents, although I didn't always feel it at the time.

But I had no real sense of love between a husband and wife, or partners meant, simply because my parents never loved each other.

And it hurt when I finally realized that. I mean, imagine being the product of an utilitarian arrangement solely designed so your mother could retain custody of your older sister?

I desperately wanted to believe that true love existed, even if it didn't for my parents.

Then I learned love could hurt. It could betray you. It could be dishonest.

Oh, wait. That isn't love. It is . . . something else.

I thought I found true love when I got married.
Then my marriage fell apart.

Now I'm wondering — what is love? And do I believe in it?

I feel the love of God. I am trying to practice self-love.

And if this all feels disjointed . . . that is how love feels for me right now.