17 February 2010

Falling

I am falling apart again. I am no inspiration. I am just a failure who can't let go of Ana. I am trapped forever.

I am scattering to pieces . . . My heart is torn to pieces . . . There is no mercy, none at all.

Ana is just too strong to fight. Too strong. I am not courageous or strong or inspiring or any of those wonderful things people have said about me. I am a coward and a failure.

I am frightened. I am frightened of food. I am frightened of graduate school. I am frightened that my marriage is being sucked dry by Ana.

I AM AFRAID I AM GOING TO DIE OF THIS BEFORE I EVER LIVE.

(The only consolation - if I die, others will live through my organs. Oh God, please let my organs be undamaged so I can do some good>)

I can't seem to grasp recovery. I feel as if I am encased in a block of ice, icy Ana, and I can see life outside but I can't reach it. Outside is freedom and love and learning and people, and I am so cold inside. I feel as if I will never be warm. I will never be free. I will never live.

I can't take much more. I feel so alone. What will it take??? What??? WHAT???

(I am screaming inside and no one hears me. Can't somebody hear me? Please?)

I don't have any answers. Only fears and pain and an all-consuming obsession with starving and hurting myself that I can't seem to fight.

Oh God, on this Ash Wednesday, I pray to you to see me, your lowliest servant, and have mercy on me. I know I don't deserve your mercy, but if you only would forgive me and say the word, I would be healed. Jesus, you once was told that even the dogs deserve the crumbs that fall from the table. Come into my heart and heal me, even though I don't deserve your mercy. Blessed Virgin Mary, intercede for me with your son.

I am falling to pieces . . . And I feel as nothing can ever pull the shards together again.

7 comments:

Jessie said...

You are definitely not a failure and this does not mean that you will never get through this. I was so, so terrified to eat when I started trying to recover this last time and I thought I would never get past that, would never be able to fight enough. But even though it's exhausting, if you keep fight, eventually you will get to a place where Ana has melted away. I know it sounds easy to say, but I remember being in almost the same place you are thinking that I would never be able to go on and that at least if I died, my family would get my money that I'd saved. But I kept going on. Most of the time I didn't feel like fighting and it felt like there was no point. BUt I kept telling myself that no matter how frightened I was, recovery had to be better than ED.

Hang in there and keep fighting. You have an amazing life to live for. You've already done so much and you have so much that you can still do.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

Dear Angela,

I stumbled upon your blog and wanted to share this with you:

Most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, I am so hopeless and alone. Make use I implore you, of that particular privilege given to you, to bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly – (here make your request) and that I may praise God with you and all the elect forever. I promise, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen

While you feel this way, you aren't hopeless. You have a husband and friends and family who love you. Jesus suffered enough for all of us. Try to rest. You're tired from the fight. You will find the strength that you need, just not today when you are tired.

Daisy said...

Holding you in prayer Angela, and sending some hugs for when you want them. Keep working.

tracy said...

Dear Angela,
Oh how i wish i knew the right words to say to you. i feel that in many ways we are alot alike. Same age (bracket!), fear is one of our daily companions...i want to tell you how sorry i am that it is for you to find something or someone to hold on to, to help you find the strenght to want to live until you can find it in yourself.
Do you have a psychiatrist (preferably a guy!) that you trust and is kind and you feel you can talk to? A friend who is there for you?
When you talk about being frightened about all of those things in life, i see so much of me and my situation. i think both of us must be so tired of being afraid and we just don't know where to turn...
Hugs and prayers,
tracy

PS i think the organ thought just about daily.....

tracy said...

i ment how sorry i am that is is so hard for you to find something or someone.....

sorry'bout that!

I Hate to Weight said...

it's okay to fall to pieces.

it's very hard work coming back, and it has peaks and lots of valleys along the way.

i'm so glad you're letting us into what's going on with you. it's really an honor to be allowed to know. and i believe it's a very healthy sign.

take good care, angela. you are so worthy of the very best.

Tiger said...

Look for the light. It may not be the sun. It may not be near, and it may not be shockingly bright. It may be far, and small, defenseless. It may be the tiny glimmer of a star. If it is too far, bring the horizon in. Look closer. There is a spark of light inside of you.