12 February 2010

Grace and the death of XXX

Grace. God's gift to us, giving us strength to begin in our own healing when we can't do it alone. Which we can't.

Grace. God's power that allowed me to destroy XXX, my Facebook pro-ana doppelganger last night. I removed all traces of myself from her profile in order to feel cleansed. The most important thing is that I removed my picture - 95 pounds, jutting collarbones, already becoming ensared in Ana - that I used (with my face removed, of course) to represent her.

(Side note - I really thought I was being clever and that most people did not know about XXX. I wasn't being clever, I was being destructive and not too bright.)

Grace. Yes, it is amazing. It is God's gift for us all, including me. I was once blind. Blinded by the Siren call of Ana.

I know the call will continue. I've only taken the first, few baby steps. But - I have eaten the food. I allowed the feeding tube. I destroyed XXX.

Really, I felt it was becoming a matter of life and death between her and I. Either she had to die, or I would.

This doesn't mean it's over. It means I can begin. It means Dr. Sackeyfio and I can start the work of recovery, which will be so hard and so painful. I can't do it alone.

Grace. God sending us people who love us and people who care for us, to help us in our journey, no matter what that journey may be.

My journey happens to be recovery from anorexia. It is really an inexplicable disease, defying basic human logic - the drive to survive.

I am - a wife, a graduate student, a friend, an intelligent person, a compassionate person. I am not XXX. I am Angela.

I am still afraid. The feeding tube is gone, I am eating again and I will soon go home. I am afraid I will again starve myself. I am afraid of the self-destructive tendencies that explode in my mind without warning. I am afraid because I am again at the beginning of recovery.

I asked myself last night - Is this really what I want out of life? To spend days, weeks on a psychiatric unit, a feeding tube down my throat? Do I really want to have to ask for piece a floss, permission to go to the bathroom after every meal, to sleep in an empty bed in a strange room? To not be able to move about as I want, make bracelets to pass the time, to explain to everyone here that I am here because I starved myself for a month?

I want to put my feet in the ocean, go back to Haiti, travel to Ireland, see Stonehenge, complete my master's degree and many other things before I die. Today it hit me - I could die of anorxia before I am able to do any of those things. I could die of anorexia before I have lived.

Grace. I was so lost. But the thing about grace is that God does lead you home, and sometimes even helps you see again.


Anonymous said...

Amazing Grace

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The world shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun refuse to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Shall be forever mine.

When we've been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we'd first begun.

Prayers for your continued journey toward recovery.

Anonymous said...

I am so happy you are more aware of YOURSELF (your amazing self!), of Angela in the moment. It won't be easy, but in difficult issues and journeys there is growth and sense and I hope peace as well. You have so much things to do, to be, to enjoy.. ahead! Baby steps are journey as well!
Thinking about you and everyone who is fighting with this cripplng illness so hard right now. We can do it!

Silly Girl said...

You are so right. You are Angela and not Ana. Stay strong and take it a step at a time. I'm proud of you.

Tiger said...

Grace is pretty wild, huh? Many hugs and prayers for you.

Eating Alone said...

BIG HUG! It might just be all the pain med's I'm on right now but this best medicine I could have gotten! I'm so happy to see you fighting!

Sorry I'm not so coherent right now. Just really happy your fightinging.

Jessie said...

Good for you! This is a huge step and you will get through this, little by little. You are Angela and Angela is a wonderful, amazing person. The thing that kept me going in recovery was knowing that I did not want to spent the rest of my life in a cycle of hospitals. I had other things I wanted to do and I couldn't do them while I was sick.

Kelly J. said...

I'm so proud of you for staying and working to get well. Keep focused on the goals you set -- everything you will be able to experience once you conquer this disease. Sending you love and prayers.