05 February 2010

Unsnarling the web

I feel alone and scared, and yet for the first time in a while, hopeful.

I checked myself into Beaumont Hospital today, realizing the downward spiral was only going to continue. I was tired of my starving brain screaming at me that I cannot eat, I must not eat and I do not deserve to eat. The medical tests do not lie - my ketones are at the level of a diabetic's, and Dr. Sackeyfio said any higher and I could have slipped into a coma.

I was becoming so sucked into anorexia, I was becoming Ana. Angela was dying, both literally and spirtually. It final struck me how far I had fallen into Ana's web when I went out Thursday night and purchased a small knife, with the intent of carving Ana into my left hip bone.

I pulled over the side of a dark street, pulled out the knife and slipped down my jeans. I was ready to carve when I became horrified, wondering where I went and who I was. I wasn't totally safe - instead, I wrote Ana in large red letters, a reminder that I will never be free.

I refused to accept that reminder. In the shower this morning, I scrubbed and scrubbed the letters off, feeling dirty that Ana was marked on my flesh. Now there is a big red spot, and I'm proud of that spot, because it was the first step in taking my body back.

I still don't understand how became so enmeshed in Ana's web; snarled, tangled, Angela small and almost dead underneath the cobwebs. I couldn't see past it; I couldn't see anything at all.

And all the time my brain screamed at me, "You do not deserve to eat."

So tomorrow I will be put on a feeding tube, and I am afraid. But someday, I hope, I will remember this time from the distance of past, a memory of a bad relapse that almost killed me, and I will have a cup of hot chocolate, maybe a piece of pie, and lean back into my husband's arms and sigh, "Aren't we glad that's over!"

4 comments:

Eating Alone said...

BIG HUG!! I'm sad that your having to take this step, but I'm so happy that you have. This means that you are taking care of yourself! You are trying to fix yourself that is important and a good step! Good luck!

Lou Lou said...

it sounds like you are looking towards a brighter day which is so positive when you buried in muddy hard times, i wish you so much serenity. you are courageous, strong, and you deserve pie and hot chocolate and happiness

Silly Girl said...

You have taken a huge step. Good for you! Stay strong and hang in there!

Much love,

Silly Girl

Jessie said...

***hugs*** Good for you for taking this step. This is a courageous thing to have done and soon this will be a memory. You will get through this.