22 February 2010

The destroyer takes all

Ana the destroyer is taking everything. My marriage. My dreams for grad school. My hopes for any kind of future. My soul.

I believe my marriage is over. My husband and I have struggled for years with this disease. I feel he doesn't understand; he feels this has taken over everything. He escaped to Florida on Thursday, supposedly to work on the boat of a friend. But I believe he wanted to get away from me, or the me that I now am since Ana came to stay.

He sounds so angry at anorexia and I feel he blames me for getting it and this most recent relapse. Without him, I feel lost and lonely and scared. I feel as if I will die of anorexia. And that's a terrible burden to put on anyone.

I think anorexia has so damaged our relationship, it cannot be repaired. I can't seem to make him hear - I didn't do this on purpose, and I am so sorry for what it has done to us over the past years. I love him so much it hurts. I also love him so much, I can't continue to put him through this.

Then there's grad school. I got a 3.7 last semester, and I was quite proud of that. Even with my recent relapse, I have been pulling near a 4.0 in my classes this semester. But I chose to go into the hospital, and now I'm so far behind I feel like I'm smothering. After days of constant writing, up until 2, 3 a.m. I turned in the rough draft of a literature essay that I was told probably won't earn a grade any higher than a B to a B- — after extensive revisions. So instead of resting today, as I so desperately needed so I can think more clearly and actually be able to eat, I again spent hours at the computer trying to salvage this piece.

Today - it's 3 a.m. right now - I have to write the rough draft of another essay, complete a 10-page take-home midterm, read a short novel and then write a 1 to 2 page response essay on it. All of this has to be completed by noon Tuesday.

But my grief over my failing marriage, combined with my sorrow over my now screwed up grad school record - the one source of self-esteem that I had; that I believed in - makes it almost impossible to think about writing another word.

Sometimes heartbreak can hurt so much, it silences everything inside of you.

I need sleep and I need food. I can't seem to find a way to give myself either. And without David, I don't really want to live anyway.


Sairs said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I am struggling too, though I am not studying. I don't think I could right now either. Have you thougth of leaving grad school for now to get better? I know it's a horrible tough thing to do, I've done it before, but sometimes you really have to think about your health and think about these things at another time. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I probably can't. Just know that you are not alone. I really hope you can sort out what you need to do and try and fix yourself enough to keep going. Take care and be gentle with yourself, you are not a super-hero!

Sheena said...

Sorry to hear your not doing well.. DONT GIVE UP! as impossible as it feels, just dont. I cant begin to explain to you how many times in the past year i have said I 'cant' eat, I 'cant' do recover I 'cant' do this..etc..but somehow I am doing it..It would have saved me a lot of pain/stress to know that I could do it earlier on. Believe in yourself, please! I'm sure you have so much to offer the world. As dark as it all feels right now just keep going and dont give up. Just keep imaging your life without ED and one day youll get there. No matter how many times you say I cant or how impossible it feels. good luck

Donna P. said...

It might be time to put your health, and your husband, first. I know how much grad school means to you, but doesn't your healh, and David, mean more??? Focussing on and improving those two things would make being successful at grad school much more likely.
Grad school will still be there when you are ready to go back. Make sure David will be too.
Have you thought about counseling as a couple? I haven't known you long enough to know if you have already tried it.
You are always in my prayers.
Donna Periard

Eating Alone said...

Got no advice on this except that grad school will be there forever. Not so much your health and marriage. I vote for a leave, just for a semester or two in order to get your life back.

I wish I could send you Ralph, he's great company.

Silly Girl said...

Please don't give up. I have faith in you. Focus on recovery and your marriage. Maybe take a break from grad school to get things in order. Take care of yourself first and the rest will follow.

Stay strong, chick!

Anonymous said...

In some small way I've been there, my childhood friend and fiance cheated and left during finals two years ago. I couldn't handle it all. I just kept doing what I needed to to survive and prayed like crazy when I couldn't put one foot in front of the other in the morning.
But you'll get through it. God is faithful. Amazing book? "love and war" by the Eldredges. I'm in school too and NEVER have time for extra reading, but I made time for that one and it was worth it. Amazing book on relationships and redeeming what seems to be lost. Don't give up.
Advised playlist : (if you need some music to keep you awake in those long study hours):

Please don't stop the rain - james morrison
Moment of truth- Matthew West
mirror- barlowgirl
courage- superchick
Broken and Beautiful- Mark Shultz