10 February 2010

Ana thoughts and recovery hopes

Ana thoughts and recovery hopes continue to mix in my mind. I'm starting to realize that eating alone is not healing my anorexia.

Random journal entries (since I've come to Beaumont Hospital):

February 6, 2010

6:10 a.m.
I can't think and all the noises make me want to fly into a panic and I just want out of here. I have no hope of escaping Ana. She said I would die, die bitch and it's the truth. I deserve to die of this. . . . I have no future. I'm 44; what's the point? More years of this? I want to die, because I can't ever find peace and Ana is the perfect destroyer.
(And I scratched "Ana Wins" into my hip bone; no knife available, only my Sharpie and fingernails.)

5:30 p.m.
And I watch the food go away with no regrets. I'm still listening to you, Ana. You still have the power. I still want to lose weight and I know I don't deserve to eat. . . . I am feeling light, even lighter than before. It is so easy to eat nothing here. . . . Had I known I would or could slip into a coma (because of starvation), I would never have come in. I would have let it happen.
In you, Ana, I have found the ultimate weapon. You are so perfect and so easy to use. . . . Who am I without you, Ana?

February 8, 2010
10:25 p.m.
I hate myself. I hate myself for having anorexia and not being able to stop it.
Will Ana go to heaven? No, of course not. She will go to hell, her bones burning in the white hot heat. She will scream for mercy, but none will be forthcoming. She will deserve to burn, for she is evil.
I  just want to die of anorexia.
I am so tired. Tired of being Ana. It really is not fun. And I didn't even get below 100 this time.
I am lost in a swirl of hopelessness. I will never not be Ana. And she will always be me.
So tired. I just want peace. I want it to end.
But Dr. Sackeyfio says there is hope. Do I believe him? Am I a fool? To think of being free, free of anorexia, having a real life.
No, impossible.
Oh, and Ana doesn't have a heart.

(End of journal entries)

And now? I am just eating to get home. I still have the feeding tube in; however, it was disconnected today because my doctor wants to see if  I could completely finish two meals. (The tube itself is still in in case it has to be reconnected.)

I am afraid once I am home, it will begin again. I am still not hungry. The feeding tube and food has made me think clearer, feel more awake.

But it was not the panacea I had hoped it would be. I wanted to be free of the Ana thoughts. Instead, the thoughts hammer at my brain almost continously.

Ana is not ready to die. And I am not ready to live.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I will pray that you find the strength and peace you deserve. Beyond your darkness, there is light waiting.

Silly Girl said...

Continue to hang in there. I believe in you and know that in time you can find strength you need over Ana. Stay strong and know you have a lot of support.

moretolifethanlettuce said...

hey just stumbled across your blog and wanted to say hi. i'm sorry that you're struggling so much right now, it pains me to know that anyone is going through this! i hope you will find the strength you need to recover. you're in my thoughts

Anonymous said...

So much pain!
But you are NOT Ana, you are Anela, with your past, presence, future! With lot of people that loves you in real life and lot of recovering strangers who sometimes read your thoughts and hopes and just want to scream: no, I know this, I know how it feels and don't want anyone to go through this (aka me; although I am in much safer place right now).
Please please Angela- stay in hospital and try to think about ip. You are really severely ill and you deserve treatment. Ana is not a person, don't speak with her, don't think about her like something powerful! Anorexia is life threatening desease, period. But it is managable! Everything will be right, but now you can't make it on your own. You need help. Please consider it. You are SO worth it.
<3

Eating Alone said...

Not ready to die means that you are winning. This is the low point. From here it will get better. Maybe not all the time but more and more of the time.

You are more than Ana!

brie said...

i understand much of this - i have a feeding tube in, and i was once in the dark place you are in. know that everyday you live and breathe, you are winning, and it WILL get better. hang in there.

~Jacee~ said...

Your blog is amazing. You have such a way with words. These journal entries sound eerily similar to conversations I've penned between Ana and myself. You are an inspiration. It so amazing that you checked yourself in, allowed the tube and all. Keep fighting. Your worth it. *hugs*

Daisy said...

Angela, you are not Ana. She is a persistant, toxic, visitor. She is a pain in the ass, but she is not YOU. You are courageous, You want to live, You will be free.

I'm cheering for our side.
Barbara and Daisy