Falling

I am falling apart again. I am no inspiration. I am just a failure who can't let go of Ana. I am trapped forever.

I am scattering to pieces . . . My heart is torn to pieces . . . There is no mercy, none at all.

Ana is just too strong to fight. Too strong. I am not courageous or strong or inspiring or any of those wonderful things people have said about me. I am a coward and a failure.

I am frightened. I am frightened of food. I am frightened of graduate school. I am frightened that my marriage is being sucked dry by Ana.

I AM AFRAID I AM GOING TO DIE OF THIS BEFORE I EVER LIVE.

(The only consolation - if I die, others will live through my organs. Oh God, please let my organs be undamaged so I can do some good>)

I can't seem to grasp recovery. I feel as if I am encased in a block of ice, icy Ana, and I can see life outside but I can't reach it. Outside is freedom and love and learning and people, and I am so cold inside. I feel as if I will never be warm. I will never be free. I will never live.

I can't take much more. I feel so alone. What will it take??? What??? WHAT???

(I am screaming inside and no one hears me. Can't somebody hear me? Please?)

I don't have any answers. Only fears and pain and an all-consuming obsession with starving and hurting myself that I can't seem to fight.

Oh God, on this Ash Wednesday, I pray to you to see me, your lowliest servant, and have mercy on me. I know I don't deserve your mercy, but if you only would forgive me and say the word, I would be healed. Jesus, you once was told that even the dogs deserve the crumbs that fall from the table. Come into my heart and heal me, even though I don't deserve your mercy. Blessed Virgin Mary, intercede for me with your son.

I am falling to pieces . . . And I feel as nothing can ever pull the shards together again.