11 December 2008

Hope - when there is none

I've hit rock bottom - twice - in the past week.

Tuesday was a hectic day, with my mother-in-law having surgery and my eating schedule being disrupted. I panicked after eating dinner at 7:30 at night, broke into hysterical tears and cried over and over - I don't want this in my life anymore, I don't want to be anorexic. This was after adding up all my calories and seeing I went over my self-imposed limit of 1,000.

Then Wednesday, the voice (the bitch!) in my head kept saying 'you're fat, you're fat.' I bought a pack of laxatives and swallowed them before I could change my mind. You see, it was punishment for trying to eat normal.

Now I feel like shit - bloated after an evening and morning of diarrhea, tired from little sleep.

But I must continue to hope I will get better - the alternative is death.

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