26 December 2008

Fear and determination

I have been pretty sick this past week; a norovirus has been going around and it hit me hard. It also derailed my (albeit feeble) attempts at eating and recovery.

Tuesday I could barely eat. Wednesday was a bit better, but by then, the pattern was set - I wasn't eating much. Thursday I weighed myself and discovered I was below 100 again.

Several months ago, hell, even several weeks ago, that would have thrilled me. This time, it struck fear in me.

Goddamnit, I had worked so hard to get over 100 and to accept it!

Unfortunately, I did start feeling thrilled when I hit 98 this morning. Then I panicked, got very pissed and decided, as I enter my second year of battling my ED, that anorexia was not going to kill me, that I am going to fight back.

I grabbed an Ensure and guzzled it down, thinking of the calories as healing medicine. It's a start.

1 comment:

Lola Snow said...

Good good good. Great to hear that you decided to fight rather than lie down and take it. Sorry to hear you have been sick, but it doesn't seem to have sapped your inner strength at all. Kick the ass of the "get thinner" thoughts, they are all BS, but you seem to know that already.

Lola x