14 December 2008

The enemy - Food part 2

I've been struggling the last several days, with trying to eat normally and trying not to purge any food by taking laxatives.

A cookie - a small, innocent cookie made by a child - broke me Friday night. I spent most of the day Saturday on the couch, yet again removed from life and the world, because of the after-effects of laxatives. I hate myself at times.

Sunday, I decided to have an ED-free day. No counting calories. Eating whatever I wanted. My husband and I were given a small gift bag filled with Christmas goodies, such as Chex Mix, banana nut bread and chocolate-covered pretzels.

So I grazed my way through Sunday, but could not really enjoy it. I feel so guilty for my little splurge, and madder than hell that I gave my husband the laxatives, which he quickly threw away. I tried to find the little buggers in the garbage, but David had buried the packages.

Now I'm left with guilt and anxiety over the food in my body, and huge regret that I thought I could be normal and not just "anorexic." I'm also left wishing I could throw up my food (something I've never been able to do) and scared about my reaction - or overreaction? - to some holiday treats.

Merry Christmas to me.

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