21 December 2008

Food, food everywhere!

This time of the year feels like I'm walking a cliff, ready to fall off - cookies, cupcakes, candy and more abound. If I say no to this monstrous holiday treats, I feel like a Scrooge. If I give in, I feel sick, fat and like I want to purge.

This first holiday season in recovery is so stressful. Not only do I have to go to my family's for Christmas, as an added bonus, we are having Christmas with my husband's family the Sunday after. It makes me wonder why holidays are celebrated with food.

My doctor advised to eat beforehand, and place the emphasis on getting together. He doesn't know my mother - or her wrath, if I refused to eat something at the holiday table. I told him I'd rather deal with him than her (he laughed.)

But seriously, how do I explain how all this food just cranks up my anxiety level ten-fold? So I take a nibble here, try to add up the calories, and wonder when will there be a time when food doesn't cause me so much anxiety?

I remember the last time I ate like a normal person - it was last Christmastime. We had people over for an early holiday dinner. I was in the early throes, if you will, of anorexia (although I didn't know it then, of course.) I nibbled on some nuts, ate a normal, if light dinner, and proceeded to panic about the food. Then I took a bunch of laxatives, staying up all night with diarrhea and a racing heart.

I've never eaten normal since then. I still weigh (pardon the pun) every single bite I put in my mouth - too many calories? how do I balance it out? how do I get rid of it? will I be able to exercise it off? or can I let it go for once?

I can't wait for January. The minefield of food is a little less treacherous then. 

1 comment:

Lola Snow said...

Have ED-turkey hangover, and recovery remorse. ED will not shut up so i am doing the blogging rounds as distraction. Hope you are well and made it through ok.

Lola x