23 January 2010

Fighting the monster within

I woke up this morning realizing I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I don't want to feel achy and tired and hopeless.

I don't want to hurt inside and out.

I don't want to feel my guts wrenching, contracting, begging for nourishment.

I want to feel whole again.

I want to eat.

And I want anorexia to go away. Forever.

This monster came to stay years ago, taking resident in my heart and soul. She has been the third partner in my marriage, the one who says no to food and fun and life.

This monster tells me don't eat, you don't deserve to eat.

She has overcrowded my brain this past week or so, not just moving in, but taking over.

I want her GONE.

I don't want to look in the mirror and see the glazed eyes of a half-dead person, one without hope or strength.

But how do I kill something so strong, so powerful?

I realize I can't do this alone, and every kind word someone writes is another weapon against this monster. Thank you.

(Postscript - I ate several bites of Special K with strawberries this morning. As I bit into it, the milky mixture of strawberries reminded me of summer and sunshine and hope. I cried as I ate it.)


lisalisa said...

I was trying to think of a helpful comment for your last post but couldn't end up with anything that I thought would help. But I was thinnking of you yesterday. I'm glaad you are ready to fight and not give in! keep writing!

Jessie said...

Good for you! This monster will be gone and you are amazing for keeping up the fight! It definitely does not have to be this way and you can go on and have a wonderful, meaningful life beyond anorexia. The only thing anorexia does is, like you said, make you exhausted.

Dear Body said...

It's time to let it go

Eating Alone said...

Kind word! I know it's hard. I know how much it sucks to just eat something. And I know how bad it feels after when you have to sit there and think of what you ate. And the voice in your head screaming at you. Write out what the voice is saying to you. Try it, just write it out and then write out counters to eat. You might have to do it over and over. Try and be rational with your counters but really get a little book and write out what the ED voices are saying to you. It should help you to see just what a scumbag that voice really is.