04 January 2010

From my recovery journal - Part I

Remembering the past and why I need to move forward:

From my recovery journal, Part I

March 9, 2009
I am getting better every day.

March 10, 2009
I will get better and be able to live a full life - work, play and lots of time with my honey, David!

People first started telling me I needed to gain weight - "about 15 pound, at least" - around March 2008. I didn't believe them. I thought I looked svelte, slim, sexy. I didn't see where my obsession was heading and now - I am home sick, my body sucked dry by that bitch anorexia nervosa; exhausted beyond belief.
When I first realized I was going to need some real time off to heal, I was devastated. I cried, I bawled; I basically was hysterical. I am calmer now, because I have been given an answer - depleted iron stores is what is leaving me so drained. Iron! Maybe I could have solved this months ago. I try not to be bitter.

My days go like this - around 7:30 a.m., David and I eat breakfast and then at 8 it's pill-taking time. Ativan and Seroquel to keep me calm (prescribed before we realized a lot of the anxiety was caused by my extreme lack of iron); Prilosec for that old problem, acid reflux (I'm turning old at 43) and a multivitamin to help jump-start my health. Ooops, don't forget the suppository for the ever-problematic hemorrhoid.
That's just the start of it. At 10:30 a.m., it's time for iron and vitamin C to help the absorption of it; 1 p.m. is Ativan time; 3 p.m. another Seroquel, iron and C and 5 p.m. Ativan yet again. I get to quit popping pills until about 10 p.m. - Ativan, Seroquel, and Colace to help things move through the system due the great constipating effects of iron.
And that, my friends, is what anorexia can do to you. I don't recommend trying it.
But I will get better.

March 11, 2009
The day is gray, with a few flickers of snow. It is gray inside, and I feel lonely. I'm trying to get better - drink the Ensure, take the iron tablets.
I miss being with people, and yet I still feel too tired and cold right now to move outside this house. The living room, this study and the bathroom are basically my world. Will I ever be able to get better like this?
I must get more energy and then motivate myself to do more. But what? Being sick takes so much energy.
Sometimes I think I should force myself back to work right now. Just push myself. But I know I'm not ready. I need to heal; I need to recover. But it is so lonely and I don't know how to combat the loneliness. Maybe when the weather gets warmer ...
But I will get better. I will get better and stronger, I will return to work and this country also will get better and stronger. We all will survive, and we will look back at these hard times and wonder how we survived them.
I'm trying to force myself to read the news articles, the ones that trigger anxiety. Job losses, foreclosures, and companies folding. I try to remember I am very lucky; I have lots of financial support from my father, and lots of loving support from my sister, Samon, and mother. Plus, I have the love of my life, David.
But still, I question - Will I get better?

(Part II to follow)


lisalisa said...

it took alot for you to get here- don't be seduced by the anorexia again! I guess I am commenting more on your last post. I sometimes get sucked into pro ana blogs, too. Why, I dont know. Its all crap. But damn, sometimes it just looks so good and i miss it.
Reading your recovery journal is a good reminder of what anorexia is REALLY like and what it does to you and what it takes from you. What it reduces you to.

You don't want to go back there.

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