Fighting the monster within

I woke up this morning realizing I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I don't want to feel achy and tired and hopeless.

I don't want to hurt inside and out.

I don't want to feel my guts wrenching, contracting, begging for nourishment.

I want to feel whole again.

I want to eat.

And I want anorexia to go away. Forever.

This monster came to stay years ago, taking resident in my heart and soul. She has been the third partner in my marriage, the one who says no to food and fun and life.

This monster tells me don't eat, you don't deserve to eat.

She has overcrowded my brain this past week or so, not just moving in, but taking over.

I want her GONE.

I don't want to look in the mirror and see the glazed eyes of a half-dead person, one without hope or strength.

But how do I kill something so strong, so powerful?

I realize I can't do this alone, and every kind word someone writes is another weapon against this monster. Thank you.

(Postscript - I ate several bites of Special K with strawberries this morning. As I bit into it, the milky mixture of strawberries reminded me of summer and sunshine and hope. I cried as I ate it.)