04 January 2011

There will never be another me...

 Sometimes it takes a child to voice the truth that needs to heard. As I watched little Sophia speak her words, I thought of myself as a little girl much like her and bawled. I was a little girl with long dark hair and light blue eyes, and I loved reading and writing and books and chocolate and kittens. I loved to go to school and sitting in the front row, eager to learn. But as life unfolded, I learned to dislike myself. And one day, I grew up to hate my body and did everything in my power to look and be like someone else.
Anybody but me.

I have been trying to recreate myself almost since I was born. I never thought I was beautiful enough. I never thought I was smart enough. And when I got married, I never thought I was good enough for my husband. But the harder I tried to become someone else, the worse things became.
Until I was lost.

Anorexia nervosa knew just when to strike. And I then embarked on a new mission to remold my body to society's idea, and I was so successful that I lost sight of everything else. The love of my husband. The friendship of others. Joy and laughter and love became buried by layers of anorexia until I couldn't breathe anymore.
It wasn't just my body that became smaller, my soul became smaller.

But as little Sophia says, I am unique and there will never will be another me in all the history of the world. So why in the world would I try to look or be like someone else? I am rediscovering myself; my love of writing and reading, of the joy of Celtic music and classic Elton John, of cuddling with my cat and crying because this little girl's message moves me so much I can't hold it back. I have dark curly hair and light blue eyes, and my body once was strong and beautiful and it can become that again.  I am opinionated and believe strongly in justice for those who can't speak for themselves. I love to study English and poetry and history and the Bible and religion. I am passionately loyal to my friends and would do anything for them. I am stubborn, and my therapist says one of my greatest strengths is that
I never give up.

I believe in miracles, and the power of love and hope. I know I can recover from anorexia. I'm just starting to unravel the layers of this cloak of anorexia, but unravel it I will. I have finally learned the key is within me.
I just have to unlock the door.


Frugalista said...

Don't give up!! You can do it and I think you know it. It's just getting that certain "thing" to click inside your head.

Zena said...

you are unlocking, everyday, I see it more and more...there is this song I will have to find it but its "there will never be a more beautiful you" ( christian radio again)...there never will be angela, no one could ever be replace , there will never be a more beautiful you, hold on tight, your doing this, I can see it more and more every day!

Love, Tara

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post.

battleinmind said...

First off, that girl is super cute. This video brought to mind a quote from the bible
“Let the little ones come to me,” he says gently. “Do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Second, I am very glad I've found your blog.

Lady Pippa Jemima Fortesque Smyth said...

Another great post! You hold the key to a door that will unlock a fabulous, vital and marvellous life. People like you are rare and very special. We need you in the world Angela!
I know what you mean about 'recreating' yourself. I have also done this for my entire life, but I hope that this has been in a positive, progressive and productive way. I decided that I did not want to live the way that many of my family live and that I did not want to become a victim of life's vicissitudes.
Be the change that you want to see in the world - Ghandi.
God Bless

PerfectingmyEmptiness said...

beautiful post indeed.
Thank you for trying to help me, but it seems that i am the kind of girl that wants to hit her head to realize her mistakes,
i can't think of being beautiful enough, i am not and i realize it. I am so glad that you have found the right way to cope with
your body,
your soul,
your life.
I really am but i can't stop thinking of not being good enough.
Again, thank you for caring.