26 January 2011

Mission accomplished

I found out today that I have reached my healthy goal weight as set by my doctor. I was weighed by my therapist Pam because I banished the scale to the closet a while ago (I only peeked two or three times!)

And now I move onto the next stage of recovery. I am already doing some things that I think are healthy for my recovery. I have stopped my incessant reading of articles about anorexia and all things related. I have left some Facebook groups that posted articles and other items of information that I still find triggering.

I am slowly extracting myself from the world of anorexia.

It was my whole world for a long time. I am now thinking clearer and feeling more positive than I have for years. I thought this fall I was done with anorexia, but I had a few more months to wrestle with it. I am determined that this time I will continue on the path to health, knowing it will lead to a joyful life filled with love and happiness. I am beginning to believe I deserve that, and I know all of you out there do too.

So what does this mean? I believe it means I am still in recovery from anorexia? To say I am recovered would be premature. I still have thoughts and fears, although not as many as I thought I would at this stage. I am not experiencing any significant body image issues. Of course, it has helped that I have banished People and other magazines like it from my life. It also helps that I no longer look at pro-anorexia sites. Yes, I know super skinny women will always be part of life, but now I just feel sorry for them and what they are missing out on.

Life.

I was missing out on life for so long. Now I can think clearer and I find the anxiety is lessening. I am still nervous about many things. I miss my husband, and I still pray constantly that we will eventually reconcile. We are having some really great, fun conversations and right now we just plan to have fun with each other and get to know each other now that the fog of anorexia is lifting and I am becoming healthier. I am going to be dating my husband - how many women can say that!?! LOL!

I am looking forward to getting to know myself again. These things I know: I am a loving and caring person with a good sense of humor (hard to have when you are starving) that can be borderline sarcastic. I am intelligent and interested in many things, and feeling better has made graduate school less stressful and more fun (I have had great online discussions about technology and its effects on learning and literacy, and the whole idea of the ownership of text.) I am beginning to think I am beautiful, but that my beauty inside is what is most important. Most importantly, I feel closer to God and am forever grateful for His grace and love.

Oh, and I am sooo looking forward to the day I don't have to drink another damn Ensure Plus and can just enjoy food.

16 comments:

Ashley said...

Your post warms my heart! I am so happy to see that you are on your way to recovery. I know it won't be an easy journey, but you deserve this. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be free from Anorexia. By the way, your comment about dating your husband made me smile! ;)

Jess said...

Congratulations on your progress in your recovery! :-) I am so glad to hear that you are starting to experience how much richer life can be without the torture and tyranny of an eating disorder!!! Recovery is a long road, but it's worth every moment, even when some moments are very painful- you are on the path to health and happiness and someday you will be free of this illness for good! <3 Keep fighting and staying positive!

Telstaar said...

Well done! That's awesome to hear. It's such a big achievement to get to that weight, definitely half the battle is over.

I look forward to hearing how you keep progressing in your recovery (and life) :)

xo

Sensory Overload said...

How wonderful that you have come to where you are now! I hope that you are able to find sustenance in all aspects of your life and journey.

I too look forward to hearing of your progressions, insights and all you are so willing to share.

Be well.

Kristina said...

Congrats on your progress! Fantastic!
Keep up the good work!

I Hate to Weight said...

good for you, angela!!!!! you have worked so hard for this!

it's been a tough road -- i hope the next phase brings some fun and joy and peace.

much love,
melissa

Pen said...

I'm so happy for you! You give me hope. You're doing all the right things- no more triggering web sites and magazines. Good for you and thanks to God!

Missy said...

LOVE this...LOVE.

Anonymous said...

I love this!!!! You sound so energetic and positive!!! I just love this. You deserve, life, to be healthy, whole, and to be loved.

Dido said...

Congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you. When I recently reached a "normal" BMI, I have to admit it freaked me out a little bit and I started to panic- but then I made the decision that this was something to be happy about. And I celebrated. I hope you will do the same thing- celebrate this accomplishment. It's wonderful that you are rediscovering yourself like this- something I can also relate to. Hooray for you!

Anonymous said...

Angela!
Congratulations. I loved this post so much, for one because of its message yes, that is great. But I mostly loved it because you sound so joyful and loving of life. Keep it up. I am so happy for you!

Anonymous said...

Hi angela! First of I want to say congratulations! Reading through your blogs I can see that you are a strong and fantastic person, and have really won a hard battle.
I also want to thankyou! I am 26yr old female. I was always fit, athletic and quite slim (australian size 10). I recently had a baby and ofcos I put on some weight. Because I was slim through sport which I found difficult to do while pregnant and once bubby was born, she came to be 6months old and I came to be depressed with my weight. Never being this big I got desperate, and searched the net for some solutions. I found thinsproation sites, and over time found myself going to extreme lengths to lose some kilos. I them read a blog that is called "I will be size o" and I thought if this girl can do it, I can surly can too. Until I read your comment posts on her 2009 blog. And then I saw how wrong the thinking was. I think I was boarderline of developing a problem, but it was your posts then reading your blog that showed me I was playing a nasty game. I now am on my weight loss journey in a healthy, sensible way. And for this I thankyou, if I hadn't read your comment posts that day I don't know what I would have ended up doing.
I think you are a fantastic! And thankyou so much for sharing your journey with everyone, takes an exceptional person to use their story to help others.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

@Anonymous

Thank you so much!!! I'm glad to know I made a difference, and that you didn't get sucked into possibly developing anorexia or another eating disorder. I'm so happy for you!

You really made my day letting me know this. I wish you the very best!!!

Angela

Silly Girl said...

I am so happy for you. Yay for you!!!!

Anonymous said...

Awesome. And so inspirational. I, too, developed anorexia in my 40s and have lived with it for 5 years. I'm so happy to know that it's possible to get better. Thank you for bravely sharing your story. I'm wishing you all the best as you continue your recovery journey.

Kristina said...

How are things going for you?
Please update us when you can.
Take care & God bless