31 December 2010

The Spirit Within

Anorexia nervosa (noun) — A disorder that has caused me to illogically starve myself for four years. A disorder that has stolen the best parts of my personality, that has wreaked havoc on my marriage and friendships, and has almost cost me my life. A disorder that my psychiatrist rightly calls a "love stealer."

I vow that this disorder will not continue its grip upon my spirit and soul in 2011.

The first part of breaking anorexia's grip is creating a new focus for my thoughts and writing. I have renamed this blog, "The Spirit Within." It is my hope that this new name will reflect my growing commitment to full recovery.

I have written "Leaving ED" for two years. When I started this blog, it was my full intention that I would in fact leave my eating disorder behind and eventually write about other things. But instead, "Leaving ED" has often become a trigger for my anorexic behaviors. I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps it is because I never did leave my eating disorder behind, and the title has taunted me for years.

Now it is time for a change. This coming year will be a pivotal one in my recovery from anorexia for many reasons. I have been told that I must recover; that my body can't take much more of anorexia at 45 and that I could be looking at a very bleak future if I don't turn this around.

Dr. S believes I can fully recover. But he also believes in order for me to fully recover, I need to break this attraction, this almost addictive-like hold that anorexia nervosa has over me. And he believes in order to do that, I must find out who Angela is underneath the layers of anorexia that have been smothering me for years.

In order to do that, I need to change what I write about. I can no longer focus on a relapse, because in doing so, I have found that I have just made it worse. Then I continue the downward spiral until it is too late and I'm either in the hospital or undergoing some other treatment.

For four years, my life has really been nothing but anorexia. I hope to change that. I will still write about my efforts to recover from anorexia on this blog, but my focus will be on recovery. I can no longer focus on urges and symptoms; writing about it has not helped me, but instead has made things worse.

With the new blog name and some changes, I hope to find and show who the real Angela is. The Angela I was before anorexia came and took everything away. Before the darkness enveloped me so fully.

There always is a danger in changing the name and focus of a blog. I value each reader, and I hope all of you will read the new blog, "The Spirit Within" and get to know the person I am and that I will be becoming as I recover. Please pray for me. This will be the hardest work I will ever do, but I believe it will be worth it.

I am doing this for hope. I am doing this for life. I am doing this so 2011 can be a year of health, love, and laughter for me. I wish this for all of you, too.

Yours in Christ,


Anonymous said...

What an uplifting post! I wish you much success on your the journey to your spirit within. I am Laura who sent you the email. I am the mother of two early teen daughters who are dealing with esteem and weight issues, and I'm starting an EDOC program at NIU next month. You are an inspiration. May God bless you abundantly. You will remain in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Good on you, dear lady!!!

I absolutely think this is the right thing to do, and I love the new title, and intention behind it.

You done good!!!

You are always, always, always, x 100 in my prayers and you always x 1000 have my love.

xxx000 <3 <3 <3 Robin

Zena said...

I for one can not wait to read more and more about who YOU are...great Idea, changing the name, which I love, your gonna make it angela, I know it!!

Love, Tara

Ashley said...

Sometimes it is necessary to change something in order to find yourself. This feels appropriate for me to share this quote with you,

"...I'm going through the layers and revealing myself..." -Madonna

This is what you are doing now...removing every layer that your eating disorder gingerly put there in the first place. I have a faith that you will find your authenic self.

I'm rooting for you, Angela.

Frugalista said...

Good for you!! Time to take a new approach and new outlook. You can recover. At some point it will just all come together for you how much more important life is then ED. You have been told you are more then your ED and it will be great to see your blog reflect that.

Angela said...

I love the new title. Let the spirit within you win and beat anorexia. I for one will look forward to reading more about your recovery! Happy New Year beautiful lady <3

Missy said...

I really like this! Get back in touch with YOU! Write posts about things you like, issues you are passionate about...funny things that happened...etc.

Focus on the Spirit within that the ED squashes. You are ....we are more than just "sick"


Harriet said...

A beautiful new name and a beautiful layout for your blog. I love the sun streaming through the trees.

I have suffered from an eating disorder since I was a little girl. The behaviours began to creep in when I was ten. I was anorexic by twelve. I was still suffering this time last year - in fact, this time last year I couldn't see any way out of it and I wanted to die.

Twelve months later, I'm the happiest and healthiest I've been for a long long time. Full recovery is possible. It used to be a thing that people talked about, but that I could never really imagine. Now I can see it ahead of me. It was possible for me to get this far when I thought I couldn't go on, so why not go farther still?

Good changes happen when you least expect them, so never give up.

You have my love and prayers.

Sensory Overload said...


I always find inspiration in all of the posts that you have written. Seeing this post continues that trend.

I hope that you continue to find ways to embrace the true you and allow your light to shine.

Looking forward to reading more as your energy is put in this direction.

Blessings and light to you Angela.

Pen said...

I love this. This is the YOU I've been waiting to hear. And this may sound selfish but what you say in this blog will help me and I'm sure others as well. We all need to be positive and talk about what's going Right to stay motivated and beat this devil! Thanks Angela!

Carrie Arnold said...


Have you ever read the book "Hope for the flowers" by Trina Paulus? This post made me think of that.

Jessi said...

best of luck in your new journey to find and explore the spirit within!

i am behind you 100%


lifeafteranorexia said...

So glad you're doing this! I wish nothing but health and hope and happiness for you, my dear.

OneSurvivor said...

I have had to overcome many very real challenges in life. I think what you are doing is very key. Focus more on life and less on the disorder. Not that you can totally ignore you. You must be wise. But you have been created with beauty and with purpose. Focusing on those things can really help you to take back what the ED stole.

"Love stealer". Boy, did that hit me. How many things in my own life are "love stealers"? I think it is good for me to take a look at that.

Thank you for sharing this. I found this blog via another blog that I found via yet another blog and on it goes...that online network of connectedness. You have touched my life in this one post that I have read. Thank you.

Bailey said...

You are so talented. stand strong!

this is going to be a great year : ]

Lady Pippa Jemima Fortesque Smyth said...

Looking forward to reading more of your 'new' blog!

I've also changed my identity to go with my blog which is a satirical look at society, culture, politics and environment.