27 December 2010

Alone again

My husband has left me again. Because of my anorexia. Because as much as I promised to get better, I didn't stick with it. I have been sliding for a while.
He says he still loves me and he took very little with him. That gives me signs of hope that perhaps . . .
But first I must get better. I must recover and stay well. For me. I'm not sure I can do it. But I suppose I will have to try.
I already miss him so much. I just wanted to make him happy. But I have been struggling, and he can't handle it. I don't blame him.
I miss him. I wish he would at least call me...
I probably won't be writing much for a while. I will see. Thank you to everybody who has believed in me and tried to help me.


Zena said...


you know this might be really hard to hear but also might give you some hope...when I was in the hospital maybe 2, 3, 4 yrs ago I cant remember, my team there told Mike to leave me, to take the kids and leave that then I would be at rock bottom and I would force myself to get better because I did deep down love my kids so much more then my disease...but he didnt, he stayed and yes he was abusive, but the point is having something taken from you that you love so much, gives that added incentive to fight even harder, you either fight or quit, I believe you will fight, you love your husband, maybe if Mike had left me and took my kids I would have fought harder back then...maybe not...but maybe, hold tight angela, dont quit, keep fighting and win back your life...your husbands doing everything he can to help you, and sometimes that means leaving, get him back, prove to him and yourself you are worth so much more then this, I believe in you and I think he does too, hes just afraid and he probably sees it as last time he left, you started to do better, maybe he thinks that thisis his only option...also I would like for you to check out the Remuda Ranch tx center, its expensive, but I think would be a perfect fit for you, they work on a sliding scale, it would still cost but you cant put a price on your life...ansd family week...would be priceless for you and its christian based, It was a wonderful experiance for me, and although Im not recovered I took away so much information, and moved further ahead in my recovery then I had in a really long time...just look into it.



Lisa said...

This is a good learning experience for you. I know that is a shitty shitty thing to hear but you can get through this.

Stay strong- hang in there. I wish I had something more insightful to say...

K8B said...

I am so sorry. This must be another devastating blow. Maybe David thinks that, like last time, if he leaves then you will improve. Maybe he thinks that this way he will extend your life?

I know that you feel alone. But you are not. Even though people are not in the room with you they are still here and still sending you love and prayers. I think about you often Angela even though I don't comment much.

You are in my prayers and thoughts.

Ashley said...

You are in my thoughts. Hugs.

K8B said...

Today I read somehting that reminded of the power and value of blogs.

'Sometimes what we need is friends to bear witness to our ills and sometimes that, and a loving hug, help us on our way to finding our own solution.'

With love

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I don't read your blog regularly but I do remember reading when he left you before. And I do remember what happened. You started to get better. You started to eat, and take supplements. You started to do the real work that it takes to recovery. You chose your relationship, and your life, over the misery of the e/d even though it was so difficult to give up that familiar comfort. What that tells me is that you have a rare gift. You CAN do it. You do have the willpower. It IS within you to tame this beast. I know (and have been) one of those anorexics that simply cannot find it within them to do that. Many die. Many don't even try. Many go crazy trying. Many end their lives. You made it through. You took your faith in God and took a leap and you did it. It sucked, but you did it. If you did it before, you CAN do it again. But then when your husband came back, you went back to your old ways. It was as if you were only doing it to get him back, which is a good reason - no criticism there. But what I saw was a person who has the power to persevere. You just need to hold tight to that, and not let go. As difficult it is, you have to find that willpower you had before and utilize it again. We know you have the power to do it. So do it. Yes, it will be painful and depressing but gather up support. Ask your church members to sit with you through meals. Get a regimented meal plan and take it like medicine. Tell David that you NEED his support and ask him if he would be willing to meet with your therapist/nutritionist and ask him to help you sit through meals and help making NOT eating NOT an option. These things sound impossible, but they are doable. Painful, but possible. People do recovery. They don't have something special you don't have.

You've mentioned maybe god wants you to starve. No. God wants us all to thrive. God didn't want the Holocaust victims to starve, God wants us all to live. So live. The pain of eating is horrible, but it won't kill you. The anorexia will.

Re-read your healthy place blog posts and apply them to yourself. Be kind and gracious to yourself. Let God support you, not be a reason to starve. I believe God does help those of us who help ourselves. God has not abandoned you. God is with you. God gave you life, and God wants you to use it.

Food is your medicine, bitter as it may be, side effects of the emotional sort are abundant, but not permanent. Do what you did before, and push through this. You did it before, you can do it again.

Keep writing. Let your community here support you and encourage you. Write through every meal if you have to. But keep going. Don't make anything else an option.

Missy said...

pretty speechless right now...I am here for you in whatever way I can.

Please email me if you would like..melissaannmiller@hotmail.com.
I don't know what I could offer but maybe someone who understands...I am 32 not 18...ya know?
And we love you. This is the PERFECT storm for you to give up. I know hw tempting it is ... tempting=understatement.

Choose not to. Go through Hell. Best way out is through.


Josie said...

My husband left me and filed for divorce this summer. I was sick with anorexia for our whole 4-year marriage, and the 2 years before. He just got tired of dealing with me. I really feel for you.

However, I am proud to say that I truly am recovering now. (3 months and counting!) It took the loss of my marriage to get me here. He won't be coming back into my life, but that's ok. Because I am stronger now.

Whether or not your husband returns, I believe you have the strength to heal. I wish you the best of luck.