11 November 2009

Counting ...

One cup of Cheerios - 110. Two scrambled eggs - 154. Half a banana ...

Food food food - I can't seem to live without it, and I'm afraid to eat too much of it. I add up the daily calories in my head to reassure myself, only to ask why why did I eat that and that and that ... I'm a pig, I'm too fat, I'll never be thin again, the size one dream is GONE.

I started to cry as I walked through the mall today, mourning my thin thin body, missing my bones, the curving in of my stomach, the clavicle standing out, the too-big eyes. The mannequins were all smaller than my, lighter than air, fragile, delicate; everything I used to be and now am not. Inside I cried to myself, what have I done???

I looked at the gracefully hung clothes, remembered the times I could walk in and get the smallest size and sometimes even have that size be too big.

I look at pictures of women with anorexia online. They are so tiny, so airy, so light. I want to be them, I want to be someone like them, I want to have that look. I miss my stripped down arms and my thighs not touching.

So today I started counting again. When I was still actively anorexic (am I now a retired anorexic? Have I given up on ana? Can I ever separate from her, or is she like a demon, part of my soul, that can't be cut away???), I counted every single calorie. One of my biggest downfalls is that I can't have diet products because I'm allergic to aspartame. So if I want any sweetness, it has to be sugar.

One packet of sugar - 10 calories. One teaspoon of CoffeeMate Lite - 10 calories. Water, blessed water - 0 calories. Five Ritz crackers - 60 calories ... It's too much, each damn calorie means one more step to losing myself.

I hate how the calories now add up to a four-digit calorie intake, meaning NO WEIGHT LOSS FOR ME!

Counting, counting! Numbers and food and what it all means swirling around in my head.

Only sleep brings some relief. Until I dream of food.

2 comments:

jibbalibba said...

you can leave anorexia, but leaving doesn't even sound like enough i prefer the word defeating. she does not deserve to be a part of your life, its your life not hers.

lisalisa said...

try to resist! i know it is hard! I hate going to the mall, I always see thin teenage girls and end up comparing myself to them. It has gotten harder as I have gotten older. I remember the "good old days" when I was thin and looked fabulous (or so I thought). But the truth is, my life was so empty back then. I had nothing except my eating disorder, and it was killing me.
I think it's great that you are gong to school and buldng a life outside of ED. Please don't fall back into the trap!