I stood in the shower this morning and I started crying AGAIN! Hating what I see in the mirror, fearful because of many days with the pain of a migraine resistant to all forms of medication, regretting my slide into anorexia, wondering who I am now because I'm no longer diagnosed with anorexia, afraid of the future because I'm trying to create a new career, tired of feeling ugly because I don't conform to someone's artificial standards of beauty (hair too curly, too short, not thin enough, never thin enough!)
As I cried and screamed, no one but the cat around to hear me, I finally asked - When am I going to accept myself? When am I going to love who I am? When am I going to celebrate the good things in my life? When is this going to end?
I'm so afraid it will never end. I will never look at one bite of food without being afraid of it. I will never put one spoonful into my mouth without looking down at my thighs, my stomach and seeing FAT. I will never look in the mirror and think I am beautiful, as my husband tells me I am so often.
I will never be happy. I will never be free.
There. I've written my worst fears in those two sentences. I don't know where the key is. I don't know what medication, what exercise, which doctor, WHAT WHAT WHAT will free me????
I try to tell myself the key is within myself, even if that does sound cliché. But if the key is within myself, it is buried underneath years of regret and torment and self-doubt and anorexia and illness and ....
I asked God the other day why didn't He just let me die of anorexia last year? My weight was very low and dropping, the blood tests were getting bad, I was getting sick.
He didn't answer me.