Don't dictate to me
Don't tell me what I feel/should wear/should look like/should be like...
Don't tell me ...
I should gain/lose/maintain
I should.............................
I refuse to maintain an unhealthy weight solely so YOU don't feel guilty/worried/pissed/uncomfortable
Your feelings are your concern, not mine
What you feel/do/say/think/dream is unrelated to me
Boundaries
They are a good thing
Get it?
––––––––
I am learning some truths that, perhaps, I'd rather not face.
I don't have to love anyone solely on the basis that we share genes and biological makeup.
I don't have to allow anyone to treat me viciously solely on shared ancestry.
I have discovered that hundreds of miles of distance are necessary for my health, well-being, and sanity.
My friends love me, in spite of the fact that I can be difficult, moody, and sometimes negative.
It's those shared genetics that bite me each time.
When does my obligations cease, and I am allowed to be my own person?
28?
32?
26?
48?
I refuse to wait
Another decade
Another year
Another minute....
I'm sometimes afraid that I will suddenly wake up, realizing that I have allowed my life to be dictated by genetics and shared ancestry, choking and smothering me until nothing is left.
Without getting into specifics, each time drama rears it's ugly head, I turn to eating disorder behavior to cope.
I'm not blaming.
It just is, you know?
It is
No blame is definitely not an excuse, however.
At some point, I have to keep myself safe.
––––––––
Explosive anger scares me.
It sends me hurtling back
Places I don't want to go
Places I thought I forgot
Exploding angry
Exploding worlds
Explosions and then
BAM
I can't figure out why some people behave this way.
Don't they realize how frightening they seem?
Of the four freedoms, freedom from fear is the most important one to me.
––––––––
And..................................
I will continue to blog, but perhaps I will save my most personal thoughts for my new, anonymous blog on Wordpress. I'm not ready to share this blog with anyone who knows me; perhaps I will be someday.
Writing is my release. I can't live without it.
Writing is how I process things.
It restores me to a measure of sanity.
––––––––
I ask —
Who is using whom?
The End.
3 comments:
Powerful words!
we need not fear with God. we are always safe and protected by God's love. God's will will never take us where God's grace won't protect us.
Knowing that, i could begin to separate food, eating and body image from fear and anger.
Hang in there. You're doing what you need to be doing. Peace, Angela
I have recently started following your blog, and adore your writing. It is so powerful, so poignant, and resonates very much with me. I would love to know the address of the new anonymous blog so I could continue to follow your writing?
Hang in there <3 Life is an endless succession of pits and peaks; sometimes it helps to remind myself that if I find myself in a pit, a peak must not be far off.
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