Twists and turns. Ups and downs. Mood swings from being so depressed I can barely speak to feeling so restless I can hardly sit still. The inability to settle down long enough to read a book or magazine article. Thoughts flooding me until I feel so overwhelmed I wanted to run and hide.
My wild mind still isn't used to all this. Every day I have to fight to get out of bed, eat the freaking food and deal with both my raging emotions and physical pain. It feels like I'm going through puberty all over again.
I have learned many things in the past two weeks. I don't like confrontation. I am ultra-sensitive right now. I often can't even handle too many things at once (people talking and the radio on during meals makes my skin crawl at times.) I struggle to talk with strangers. I have a strong desire to flee, and I suspect that desire kicks in when anything threatens my eating disorder thoughts. My soul still has a death grip on anorexia nervosa. I don't want to let go and yet know I must in order to live.
But the worst thing I have discovered is that my feelings about recovery are ambivalent at best. I keep waiting for the recovery magic to kick in. I want the optimism I felt when I first started this process (i.e. before my two-week long fight with my insurance company, which caused me to lose both more pounds and motivation.)
I want to scream from the rooftop - I want to live, I really want to live! I want to embrace recovery as I once embraced starving. I want to channel all that energy into getting better and getting my life back.
The best I can manage is at this moment I want to live.
I have discovered at least one good thing about myself. I might hate almost every minute of this, I might want to run away and hide, I might be ambivalent about recovery and I might still want to stay thin, but I stayed. I stayed and went through it, and I suppose I will continue until ... well, either the insurance kicks me out or it's time for me to come home.
This has to be the hardest, most excruciating thing I've ever attempted in my life. I have done many things in my life and overcame many obstacles, and my friends and family tell me I am a very strong person and I will get through this too.
But right now I feel like I'm on one hell of a rollercoaster and I don't know where it's going next. I feel like I am being tossed and turned upside down.
I often feel so lost ... I often feel so alone. I don't know who I am or where I'm going. Forget taking it one day at a time. Sometimes I can only handle one minute at a time.
Starving was easy. Recovery is hard. That is all I can say.