07 May 2010

No hope

I won't be going to Renfrew after all. The insurance denied the pre-authorization today. I was supposed to leave tomorrow for the three-day trip to Florida. I was all ready; I just had to pack. We even got new tires for the car and cleaned it out.

I have no hope this will work out, although the insurance company said they would review it and call me Monday. It's just their way of appeasing my tearful pleas that this was my last chance for recovery. I just don't understand what else they need - my doctor told them on the phone today that this was "essential" for my recovery.

I doubt that I will be blogging for a while, as I am devastated by this and can't think of anything else to write or say. There is nothing else to write or say, except treatment is only for the rich, I guess.

The worst part was that I was ready mentally. It took so much to prepare myself to go, to leave my home and my husband for 30 days. It took so much to admit I needed more help than I was getting here. It took so much to accept the idea of giving up control to get better, but I worked through it and was ready.

I was ready.

Now there is no hope. And I don't want to turn this blog into a hopeless, depressing mess. Because that's what I am right now - a hopeless, depressing mess.


A Glass Half Shattered said...

I am so sorry Angela. This is definitely a set back. But please believe me when I say things are not hopeless. This is not the end, your recovery journey is not over. You just said you got there mentally, that is HUGE. And you know it is huge. Renfrew doesn't equal recovery. YOU equal your own recovery. It all stems from you, not a hospital. Renfrew was just a place to start. Don't let it be the place you end.
I understand somewhat, I was devastated to be a McLean reject, but you have to pick yourself back up. You can and you will. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I am speaking because I truly care about you. I know you are stronger than this awful disease. I know it. Please look into other treatment options if Renfrew is out. You will get better, lady. I will have hope for you even though you don't feel hopeful right now. Sending you strength. Please e-mail me or something if you just want to scream and cry and vent or anything. I am here for you. x

Anonymous said...

I planned on writing most of what glass wrote. Renfrew wouldn't have "made you" recovered. YOU would have made yourself recovered. Recovery is about making healthy choices, no matter how painful. You have to own that. There are a great many people who cannot afford Renfrew, and I'm one of them. I'e relapsed on and off over my lifetime of anorexia, but I stayed healthy for years without residential treatment. I found a nutritionist, paid out of pocket, went to therapy, paid out of pocket, nearly breaking us financially, and I got better. I didn't have meal time support or daily therapy to deal with past trauma. It was hard, hard work, but I did it. It would have been hard, hard work no matter where I was. Many people go to Renfrew and never recover because when they get home they are unwilling to continue on with the hard work.

No one HAS to go to residential to recover. Recovery is all about willing to give up a vice - much like giving up alchohol or drugs. Sure, a stint in rehab is a good start. But you still have to do the work back home.

Instead of seeing this as a complete loss, why not step up your committment to recovery? Get rid of all the laxatives and enemas. Get on a meal plan, and commit to it. Is it easy? Hell no. Is it possibe? Absolutely. No one chooses anorexia. But everyone who recovers made a choice to recover. It is in your hands - you just don't realize that. You were counting on the hospital or Renfrew to make you recover. They can't do that. They can help you along, but only you can make the choice as to whether you are going to eat or not.

I don't say that lightly. I know how difficult it is. I've lived it. When I choose to, I can eat - it's just incredibly difficult. When I stopped eating, that was a choice too. We all have to essentially take responsiblity for our recoveries. Residential isn't a cure. It's a jump start. Now you may not have that, so you'll need a Plan B.

Mourn the loss of Renfrew, and then step up to the plate and find your Plan B. Renfrew is not the only way to recover. You can do this.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could make this unhappen. This is a huge blow. I wish I could say something to make it easier. Something that would make it possible for you to mourn this, take a little breather, then stand up, take a deep breath, and dive into an Angela-made treatment. Renfrew might have made it easier, they have already invented the wheel, they have a system of constant support and constant focus on recovery, but it wouldn't ALL be exactly what you need. If you are creating your own recovery, you can leave out all the stuff that wouldn't have been helpful. Can you ask the people around you to help out, to step up a little in ways you discern would be helpful, to fill in where insurance let you down? Maybe ask them to eat with you or cook with you or grocery shop with you? I wish I could drive to you and we could do these things together and hate it together. I so wish that the Institute of Awesomeness was a physical place.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

There's no help here. I have to drive almost two hours just to see an eating disorders specialist. There's nothing ... I was so ready.

Kelly J. said...

I've had the insurance company deny treatment before. My doctor's nurse spent quite a bit of time on the phone with them and got it covered. Don't give up hope, there's still a chance you could get the coverage you need. If not, there will be another way. Do not let this defeat you.

Tia @ dietcolagirl said...

I'm so sorry to read this... now I know where you're coming from. your response did sound harsh to my post, but this puts it all in perspective. Thank you for reaching out to me.

xoxo Tia

sarahlynn said...

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but I wanted to give you my hugs and support and reiterate that this is Not The End.
There will be another option. There WILL. I think some of us bring our black&white thinking into everything. "If I don't get into Renfrew, everything will be screwed." *hugs* It isn't. Find out what treatment centers your insurance may cover, if they won't cover Renfrew. There may be other options. My insurance is a devil, and only covers the cheapest treatment centers out there. They cover some. They've covered for me to GO to some... okay... places. (Maybe even GOOD places, if you go with an aim to recover.) They just won't cover places like Renfrew because they're so expensive. Is it possible your insurance is the same?
Manymany hugs, sweet.
It will work out. You have support there, if nothing else. You are ready. Don't let this disappointment set you back.

Anonymous said...

There are lots of therapists that aren't e/d specialists that can do good, helpful therapy. Many therapists have experience with e/d, but aren't specialists that treat only that.

I urge you not to put all your recovery eggs in one basket. You do have options. You can still be ready to recover. Not having Renfrew does not mean you cannot recover.

Anonymous said...

Dear Angela,

I am a friend of Kelly's and wanted you to know that I am praying like heck for you! You are a beloved, precious, child of God. I am incredibly moved by your words of your situation. I just wanted you to know that there are people out there that care about you and what you are going through. God *loves* you. I am keeping your in my prayers.


Lou Lou said...

hi angela, sending you love and light in this difficult time, i too know what it feels like to be emotionally ready for treatment and then get what seems like a kick in the teeth, when i got scammed by that bastard i was packed and ready, but something else may come out of ths, i couldnt see at the time, but something better was coming my way through the tough time came a better day. and i know the same will happen for you, it is so hard to see right now, and it never makes it easier to hold on to that thought because it doesnt feel real, so right now all i can say is be kind to yourself and know we are still here to support you through this time, and it isnt the place that gives you recovery it is you, and i believe in you, i hope to see your posts no matter sad or happy, because i bel;ieve in you. xxxxxxxxxxx

Zena said...

hey sweetie,

first tight hug!!! second NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!!! There is allot I could say about YOU being the one who has to choose to recover and RENFREW wouldnt cure you, but right now I dont think you are in the place to hear any of that right now, just know that renfrew fights for their patients, even if your not a "patient" of theirs yet, I went to renfrew in Philly, my insurance covered it but it was struggle right from the get go...Renfrew said I was comeing for a min. of 30 days...and initially so did my insurance co, til I got there, then it was an every 3 day review, then an every other day review then every day but you know what they fought for me, I got my stay, I got the tx I needed and NO it didnt cure me, NO I did not leave fixed, it did give me the jump start i needed, but if you are going there thinking that you will come out all better, thats not going to happen, it can seem like tx is for the rich and in some cases thats true but if you look, research, and fight, there IS tx out there, DO NOT GIVE UP!!! you may feel like you have lost the battle but the war is not over, there is still reason to fight, so DO NOT QUIT!!! Dont ever QUIT, because that my freind, is ensuring your funeral, and that well is just not an option...at least not on my watch!!!

much love,


Anonymous said...

I agree- this is not the end. And it sounds as though you are putting all of your hope of recovery into one treatment center. I don't mean to be a downer but treatment centers are Not a cure all. I was "In" for 6 weeks 3 years ago and am still not cured. Not sure what it's going to take. By the way- I'm 49 yrs.old.

Pen said...
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