Talk about crashing. Tuesday and Wednesday, I felt like I could do anything, that I could overcome the anorexia and have the normal life I crave. Last night, my mood started to fail, I couldn't stop crying and I ended up developing a migraine. Today has been totally useless - instead of working on my future (i.e. studying and writing for my graduate school classes), I've surfed the Internet and Facebook, looking at pictures of people with families and lives and fun, feeling sorry for myself.
AND I HATE TO FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF!
I feel that my dreams are too big for anorexia. I eat, then I think I don't want to eat. I'm trying to reduce the number of anxiety meds, then this afternoon took extra in the effort to stop thinking about how many ways I've screwed up. I write to friends who are struggling, trying to help them see that they can get better and live a full life, and can't convince myself I can do that.
I feel like I'm sinking, and I don't even know why.
I feel like all my dreams are dying, that I have no right to want more, that I have no right to expect a happy, normal life without ED.
I keep trying to kick ED out, and like a bad-boy boyfriend, he keeps coming back and enticing me. Try telling this charmer you're done with him. Ha! He'll just say, "You know you want me." And the problem is, part of me still does.
Because if my dreams can't come true, what do I have left? ED will always be there without fail.