20 October 2009

Craving normalcy

I want to be normal.

I want to: go to the movies and gorge myself on popcorn; hang out with friends and have scones and hot tea; eat too much, eat too little, and eat just right and it not be an issue; have dinner at 6 p.m., 7 p.m. or 8 p.m. and not have it matter; eat for the day and have no clue how many calories I have consumed; eat an oatmeal raisin cookie, a chocolate chip cookie, a brownie or all three and not give a damn.

I also want to: grow in my marriage, not have anxiety, be medication-free, have a family, complete graduate school and move forward in my professional life.

I want full-on, normal, boring, every day life - it would feel like a miracle.

I crave normalcy like I once craved to be thin. I look around at all the normal things people are doing - traveling, hanging out, working, going to school, getting ready for Halloween ...

I am afraid to speak my dreams out loud, even on this blog. I'm afraid my dreams are too normal and are closed to someone like me, someone going into her third year of battling anorexia. I fear that there is a sign a head that says "STOP - You are not allowed to proceed. To the left to continue the drama of ED. No normal life for you!" (Said in the tones of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld - NO Soup for you!)

I'm afraid it's too late. But I can't give up the hope, the dream, of ... normalcy.

5 comments:

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

Those are beautiful goals, Angela. And it is never too late. NEVER. Good luck to you. I'll be checking out your blog. :)

Silly Girl said...

It is never to late. You just have to do it one day at a time. Recovery is a gradual thing. I believe in you and know you can do it. Stay strong chick!

Angel said...

Wow, I feel exactly the same way, and I often wonder how in the world to get there. When will there be a time when the food just doesn't matter, and can that happen? I have hope though, and I hope that you do too:)

lisalisa said...

ohmygosh I could have written this post. I know what you mean. I crave normalcy, but when i get close to it I get afraid, because it is such a foreign experience.

Eating Alone said...

You can do. It might take a while but you can do it. I'm going to co-op one of your goals, about three deserts. I'm up to one cookie, three deserts in the same day is a real challenge.