I want to be normal.
I want to: go to the movies and gorge myself on popcorn; hang out with friends and have scones and hot tea; eat too much, eat too little, and eat just right and it not be an issue; have dinner at 6 p.m., 7 p.m. or 8 p.m. and not have it matter; eat for the day and have no clue how many calories I have consumed; eat an oatmeal raisin cookie, a chocolate chip cookie, a brownie or all three and not give a damn.
I also want to: grow in my marriage, not have anxiety, be medication-free, have a family, complete graduate school and move forward in my professional life.
I want full-on, normal, boring, every day life - it would feel like a miracle.
I crave normalcy like I once craved to be thin. I look around at all the normal things people are doing - traveling, hanging out, working, going to school, getting ready for Halloween ...
I am afraid to speak my dreams out loud, even on this blog. I'm afraid my dreams are too normal and are closed to someone like me, someone going into her third year of battling anorexia. I fear that there is a sign a head that says "STOP - You are not allowed to proceed. To the left to continue the drama of ED. No normal life for you!" (Said in the tones of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld - NO Soup for you!)
I'm afraid it's too late. But I can't give up the hope, the dream, of ... normalcy.