When I'm not anorexic

When I'm not anorexic, I will be:

a normal weight

less anxious

happier

healthier

more able to take daily life's ups and downs

able to eat freely and without fear

Now, when will I reach that mythical land of "not anorexic?" Next month? This summer? Next year? Never? (Right now, my bet is on the last option.)

Is this a shallow dream? Am I feeling like many people do when they think "When I lose 10 pounds?"

Or will it really mean healing for me? Because right now, I still count every calorie in my head. I still look at food as the enemy, even though I feel hunger. I'm still afraid of gaining weight and I'm still afraid of being obese.

As I sat getting my hair colored today, I wondered how many women really accept themselves for who they are. For there we were, having chemicals applied to our hair in the vain hope of stopping time and being young again. But I looked in the mirror and saw a 43-year-old, her face strained by starvation and worry, and wondered - "When will I be free?"

When I'm not anorexic, I will be free.