14 January 2009

Life's a competition sport - even when it comes to anorexia!

I've been in the hospital for a few days, dealing with anxiety and anorexia. I quickly discovered two things - I'm not the thinnest girl on the block and I'm not sure if I like that.
Let me explain: at this particular hospital, all the eating disorder patients have to sit together at meals. That means we get to discuss calories, weight (exactly how low did you go? Oh, 92? Pshaw, I'm 60 pounds right now and could lose more in a second), weight lost techniques (do you take laxatives? the whole box or just the normal amount? how about water pills? enemas? Syrup of Ipecac, anyone?) and how much you may or may not be eating (You're not going to eat that muffin, are you? Well, yes, I had thought I might - until now.) (You're not worried about those two creams in your coffee? - said in a slight incredulous lilt in the voice - But after all, they are only about 20 calories - 20 calories can't hurt anything - CAN IT?) And then someone (thinner) points out how brave you are, how well on the way to recovery you must be if you can tolerate those two creams, how they would like to be like you but just can't imagine it.
Blood tests come back bad? That anemia and bad kidney functioning might have you worried, but damn, at least you aren't a walking heart attack waiting to happen. Your clavicle protrudes? But why do you still have so much hair? Any self-respecting anorexic would have lost most of her hair by now.
The doctor says you need to stay for a week, get better. The doctor says another person must stay for a month, and was threatened with a power of attorney if she did not agree to the catheter pumping thousands of calories into her heart (which, btw, I experience for 10 days this summer - oops, did I just one-up?)
I sit down at the table each meal, trying so hard to eat what is a normal meal for others. It makes me so anxious. It makes me feel like I will get fat. It makes me feel like I'm giving up anorexia, that ever-present companion. I feel so proud of myself for trying so hard - even though the anxiety sometimes feels like it will kill me - to eat like a normal person. I feel so proud that I am trying so hard to rejoin life.
Then I look around at my meal and her meal and I feel like a pig. How could I let myself get this fat! Fat fat fat at about 100 pounds???!!!
I keep telling myself, the only way out is through. And eating normally is the way to health and the life I want to lead. The way back leads to death.
I don't want my whole life to be anorexia. I want this bitch to DIE! But the competitive part? I wore a size 0. She wore a size 10 - children's.


Anonymous said...

You are an inspiration, really. The strength you have is incredible, don't ever let anorexia tell you otherwise. One day we will look back on these times and wonder what the hell we thought would happen if we ate a piece of cheese? Or why we thought it was normal to try and survive on oxygen alone. It's all complete nonsense, and I'm so proud of you for eating.

Lola x

Anonymous said...

Long time no post A. You OK?

Lola x

Anonymous said...

Hey, I picked you out of the facebook trail we have going on at the moment. I have suffered from anorexia on and off since I was 11. At the moment I'm at a healthy weight, this time last year I was at my lowest and almost in hospital. One day I just binged, broke down and had to build myself back up. It's still a new thing to me to have boobs lol. It feels bizarre.

Agreed with Lola that you are an inspiration. I'm so glad that you're fighting this.

Take care x

Gaining Back My Life said...

Thank you for leading me to your site.

Why do we torture ourselves with a measly 20 calories? Because we despise everything about ourselves, and it somehow makes it better.

But the fact you admitted yourself shows a tremendous amount of courage and the will to get better.

Keep at it; we are all fighting.
If you're interested in my blog, email me at erika.shoemaker at yahoo dot com and I will add you as a reader.

Continue to fight the good fight.

Kel said...

I hate how ED's trick us...those girls around you are not speaking from their hearst but from the pit of thei disease. Which is exactly why i discharged and weight restored at home. Keep fighting though. I believe in you.