03 January 2009

Letting go

I know I must let go of my ED behaviors in order to be truly free. I must stop counting calories. I must stop weighing myself every day, sometimes two, three or more times (the number is never right; it is never good enough). I must stop worrying about getting fat, and I must start thinking that getting better means getting healthy. I must let go of the illusion of control, for I do not control my anorexia; instead, it controls me.

I was in a state of panic this evening. I worried about returning to work after two weeks. During those two weeks I was first sick with a norovirus, then consumed by anxiety that I felt would either kill me or cause me to kill myself.

I feel ready to go back to work, if only so my life does not become anorexia. So I have taken a deep breath (many deep breaths, actually), a hot bath and continue to tell myself it will be okay, that I am stronger than this.

Being this thin, carrying the identity of anorexia, having it define me, is a jail cell that I must break out of. I want to be free.

1 comment:

Lola Snow said...

You can be free, and you will be free. It is said easily but hard to prove but if you want it, it's yours for the taking.

Try not to look too hard at the big picture, to overthrow an eating disorder just looks to big at first glance. Fight the little battles instead. Eat that bite of food, don't skip that snack, find a reason not to look in the mirror and critise, one step at a time. The more rules you break the easier it becomes, and the better it feels. Sometimes it will work, some battles you'll have to fight again, but fighting is preferable to living with anorexia. You can do it.

Lola x