"Come closer now
So you can lie
Right by my side..." ~ This Velvet Glove
It's 1:45 a.m. and I'm still awake. I'm thinking about many things. Some things I must be a bit cryptic about for privacy reasons, others maybe not.
First, my pending divorce. I recently wrote a very emotional and honest post, "I need an answer..." I want to be clear about something, though - David was never the right man for me. That may sound harsh, it may sound crass. But the truth must be told.
However, that doesn't mean that David is a bad person. He isn't. He was never abusive or cruel, and he stayed married to me for almost four years after we separated. Why did he do this? So I would have health insurance and be able to continue treatment for anorexia. Even though David couldn't deal with my anorexia, he clearly didn't want me to die from it.
Yes, divorce is heartbreaking. It can tear a person apart. When David first left me, I thought I would die. I wanted to die. I had never felt pain like I did when I realized he wasn't coming home, and I never want feel such pain again.
But I didn't die. Sometimes I wonder why, since I have a strong self-destructive streak at times. There was something within me that didn't want to die. And recently it occurred to me - I don't want to die. Ever. Whatever pain and hurt this world bring, it also brings beauty and joy and friendship and closeness. There is the silver moon at night, and the bright red sun in the early morning, and the sound of the birds in the quiet of the day. There is the sparkle of the snow and the glint of the rain and the light in someone's eyes as that person looks at you...
And yet, there is fear. I fear many things for this world, and as the standoff continues between the Russians and Ukrainians, I fear for war. For I have seen firsthand the destruction of war when I attended many military funerals; young men cut down, young men who had been full of hope and life. Young men who had families and dreams and wives and girlfriends.
The world must try to avoid war. That may be a futile hope of mine, but it is one of my core values.
And so I pray for this world I live in. I pray for peace and hope. I pray for the people of Ukraine. I pray that this world will be around long enough for me to truly live.
As for the rest? I can only say I am ready to live again, and I want it all. And I will be fine.