01 March 2014

I need an answer...

You say I'm beautiful.
You told me you loved me.
You promised to be with me forever.
Our vows said, "Love is patient, love is blind..."

And yet, your love was NOT patient.
I was dying
Crashing into walls...
Praying that I would die.

So afraid
Of everything, really
Falling down the stairs,
And yet
You did not care
You did not care enough

Where did those promises go?

Yes, I know
You couldn't stand watching me
Spiral downward
Into an oblivion of anorexia and self-hatred.

But where the hell did forever go?

Was forever only when I was perfect,
On that pedestal of untouchable beauty?

And then, when I spiraled downward,
I was left to grasp the rope of recovery
With my fragile hands.

I need an answer.
Was it really me?
Was I really the total and complete cause for the breakdown of our marriage?

For years, I tried to drown my pain
With alcohol, pills, and starvation.
But nothing stopped it.

And I was dying,
Yearning for you to reach out
And say,
It will be okay.

I need an answer.

But I know no answer is forthcoming.
I can't even get that from you.
And I'm left with the feelings
Floating around in my brain....

It's me.

And that thought will echo


Angela said...

It is never because of one person when a marriage doesn't survive. It takes two, and it is not you who failed. He couldn't stick it out for whatever reasons, and that is on him. I know that will not make you feel any better, because you have to believe in your own worth outside of anyone else, and I wish nothing more than for you to find that inside of yourself.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Beautifully brave. Sometimes there is no answer.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being out there. I can tell your blog will bring me hope .

Meliss said...

as Jenn said, beautifully brave. Love to you, Angela

Angela Elain Gambrel said...

Thank you, all of you, for your kind comments. I appreciate your support.