Not a damn thing.
A racing heart.
I choose Life.
Screw being a size zero.
After starving myself for days, I went to pick up a prescription.
I was terrified of going out because there is food everywhere.
And all I have thought of for days is FOOD.
Even the soap at Meijer — plum-scented. — seemed luscious.
I could taste the plum, juice trailing down my chin.
I was afraid I would drink the soap out of desperation.
My mind has been screaming FOOD.
I've been reading Portia de Rossi's Unbearable Lightness, and she wrote about food.
I wanted to jump through the book and eat.
Even the egg whites sounded good.
I don't even like egg whites!
She described portioning out a small amount of sugar-free yogurt.
I shook my head.
Then I ate a cereal bar — crumb by crumb.
A crumb fell on the floor, and before my cat could get it, I pounced on it.
It was mine, damn it!
It was 8:30 p.m. and the pharmacy closed at 9.
Did I dare go?
The pharmacy at Meijer is on the opposite side of the food section, so I thought I would be safe.
Then came the plum-
And black cherry...and pomegranate.
Why does everything come back to food???
Then I cried in the parking lot, remember life before.
How engaged I was.
How unafraid I felt.
What had happened?
I drove to a restaurant.
Talked to myself for ten minutes.
Yes. No. Life. Anorexia. Thinness. Food...Turkey burger...a crisp Coke...
I went in, full of fear.
I ordered a virgin pina colada (I can't have alcohol, because I'm a recovering alcoholic.)
Coconut with a hint of pineapple.
I haven't even had WATER for days.
No wonder I feel so depressed!!!
The turkey burger came.
I was very afraid.
I sucked down the first half.
And imagine...I didn't gain 3456908955442 pounds.
My thighs didn't expand.
I could think again.
Recovery is still hard.
But I have to choose life.