11 July 2012

I choose....Life

And what did being thin bring me?
Not a damn thing.
Except depression.
A racing heart.
Shattered relationships.
Lost dreams.
And almost...death.

I choose Life.
Screw being a size zero.

After starving myself for days, I went to pick up a prescription.
I was terrified of going out because there is food everywhere.
And all I have thought of for days is FOOD.
Even the soap at Meijer — plum-scented.  — seemed luscious.
I could taste the plum, juice trailing down my chin.
I was afraid I would drink the soap out of desperation.
My mind has been screaming FOOD.

I've been reading Portia de Rossi's Unbearable Lightness, and she wrote about food.
I wanted to jump through the book and eat.
Even the egg whites sounded good.
I don't even like egg whites!
She described portioning out a small amount of sugar-free yogurt.

I shook my head.

Then I ate a cereal bar — crumb by crumb.
A crumb fell on the floor, and before my cat could get it, I pounced on it.
It was mine, damn it!

It was 8:30 p.m. and the pharmacy closed at 9.
Did I dare go?
The pharmacy at Meijer is on the opposite side of the food section, so I thought I would be safe.
Then came the plum-flavored scented soap.
And black cherry...and pomegranate.
Why does everything come back to food???

Then I cried in the parking lot, remember life before.
How engaged I was.
How unafraid I felt.
What had happened?

I drove to a restaurant.
Talked to myself for ten minutes.
Yes. No. Life. Anorexia. Thinness. Food...Turkey burger...a crisp Coke...

I went in, full of fear.
I ordered a virgin pina colada (I can't have alcohol, because I'm a recovering alcoholic.)
Cold, creamy.
Coconut with a hint of pineapple.
I haven't even had WATER for days.
No wonder I feel so depressed!!!

The turkey burger came.
I was very afraid.
I sucked down the first half.

And imagine...I didn't gain 3456908955442 pounds.
My thighs didn't expand.
I could think again.

Recovery is still hard.
But I have to choose life.
Every day.


Dawn said...

proud of you for choosing life. some days that is harder than others. you can do it

Hedda said...

" Why does everything come back to food??? "

Because not only were your body starving, your mind was too. And when that happens all we can think about is the one thing we deny ourselves. In this case - food. It is a sign of the fact that we need food. Eating doesn't necessarily lead to weight gain, it is also crucial for maintaining life.

It takes time to learn to trust our bodies, and to trust ourselves. Your life is changing and your mind is searching for ways to handle it. Try to continue to choose life, do not go back to the darkness and ask for help. It does no good.

Sending strength - and a smile :) I love how this post was written with your unique spunk! ( if that's a word, haha. )

Zena said...

Way to go!!! Im very proud of you! I know the allure when things seem unsure, we fall back to what seems "comfortable" "familar"...buts its not comfortable, it hurts, its painful, it hurts not only your mind and body, but also your soul, your spirit. Let yourself soar, be free, you have tasted (excuse the pun) freedom and it was wonderful, keep fighting, dont let this steal who you are, you can do this, KEEP CHOOSING LIFE!!

Love you,

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness I had the same experience with Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi! When I was reading it, it made me want to eat any food that was mentioned.... Being thin hasn't made me happy. It's made me the odd one out, an object of curiosity. People ask my weight just to shake their heads and say (if they don't know the real reason) "I guess you had a growth spurt in height and haven't put on weight since elementary school!" Thin does not mean happy, or beautiful, or whole. I'm finally learning. -Morag