07 July 2012


I'm so confused right now. I'm hearing about size zero or two on the ED blogsphere, and now I'm thinking I'm fat. Before I was happy with my new figure — about 125 pounds and a size seven/small. But now...is that way too fat??? 

I remember when I became sick with hypoparathyroidism in 2008. I was about 130 pounds. Then I dropped to about 105, and a lot of people told me how good I looked, how "slim." Then came anorexia. And hell. And I quickly dropped into the low nineties.

Five years later, I feel like I am finally embracing recovery. It has been hard — I have struggled with anorexia, alcoholism, and drug abuse; I almost died this past fall. Mixing tranquilizers with alcohol. Not eating. Not caring if I lived or died.

And now? I want to be more than just my damn size!!! Recovery has opened a new life for me. A life of books and friends and family. A real life. I am more engaging, more connected to people. I think less  about starving. About drinking. About my size. I am able to think better, and write better.

Or at least I did until this week.

It is funny. The less I eat, the more I think I don't deserve to eat. I spent yesterday with my family, and I was able to relax and finally eat a meal after almost a week. Then I come home, and I fight with myself internally.

I am so frightened right now. I am forty-seven, and I feel this is my last chance at recovery. My body can't handle much more.

If I fail this time, I believe it will kill me.


Kristina said...

Praying for you......
You deserve HEALTH and HAPPINESS.

Anonymous said...

You have the strength to drown that ed voice out Angela i know you do .
Zero? =ppfftt no life ,it certainly isnt a size to be maintained in anyway ,what would happen after zero ?

The whole cycle you have fought so damn hard to get out of thats what!
You deserve life and freedom ,drown the voices out that are daring you to try the weight loss game one more time.Dont listen to its allure ,as it whispers and lies to you.
Shout back loud,for as you said,it may just be your last chance.
And let me say should this monster claim you along with so many of my close friends who tried it 'one more time'
You WOULD be greatly missed in lots of ways by many people.
Time to Say 'NO WAY i deserve life'
i write this with much warmth and friendship
please take care
only you can do that believe in you,and lean on those you trust and your faith ,when your finding it hard to trust your own judgement.
Ed loves to cloud your thinking ,so share and DONT let it con you again.
praying for you

Zuzka said...

I'm not sure I have anything profound to say, but just wanted to say that you are NOT fat and that I agree with everything that the above commenter said. Though at the same time I feel a bit hypocritical since I too would like to be smaller than what I am right now, even though I am at a "healthy" weight according to the Bullsh*t Mass Index ;-)

Anyway, just wanted to say some positive energy your way. <3

Sia Jane said...

If I fail needs to be; I have fallen again, and this is yet another bump in my recovery. I can pick myself up and learn from why I fell down again. I will fall again, and again, but all the while I will be learning and that is what recovery is. Once I have learnt so much I will then know when to expect a bump or even if it surprises me, I will know how to react healthily.

As for the kill you; that part can stay there and that needs to be why you fight.