The enemy - Food
So when did food become the enemy?
I look at my plate each morning, noon and night and think - I must eat, because in order to live, I need food. But when I hear people talk about the pleasure of eating, of the joy of creating a new recipe, I just don't get it. I think, why bother? It's all the same, anyway, and I just want to shovel in the bare minimum and get it over with.
No more not eating for me. No more skipping meals or weaseling out of breakfast or eating half a sandwich and giving the other half away (like I did many times in Haiti). But to eat for fun? No way; that just doesn't make any sense to me.
So why am I writing about this very private matter in this very public forum? Because at some point in life, silence must be broken in order for healing to take place. And this is a start.
But eating for pleasure? That's going to take a very long time.
I find it ironic that in many ways, I still feel the same. I started this blog a few months after my first hospitalization for anorexia. I was still sure I was going to nail recovery within a year, and then move on and eliminate this blog.
And yet here I am, three years later.
Someday, I do hope to write that I am fully recovered and I am moving on. I thought it would be easy, but I really didn't know anything. But I do know that being able to write about how I feel has been a true gift, and so have all of you. I want to thank everyone who reads and comments and holds me up. I am eternally grateful for all of the support and the friends I have found through this blog. I literally wouldn't be here without all of you.
6 comments:
And you know? Many of us wouldn't still be here without all the insights, wisdom, candid honesty and wealth of goodness that you have shared.
I hope that you continue to find your way in the directions you are headed, always knowing you are never alone on your journey.
Do be kind and I'm so glad that I found my way to your space here. So grateful.
Be well Angela. :)
Your blog was one of the first I found when I needed to find voices who understood what I was facing. You are an inspiration and source of encouragement. I don't I would have made it as far as I have without your support.
I thank you and your blog. Stay strong and continue on the road to recovery. It is not an impossible dream.
You can do this and you will. One day you'll be able to eat for the joy of eating. It's been a long time since I've been there but I have pieces of memory that remind me it was good, it was fun. It was fun to try new things and wonder what they'd be like. Some where amazing, others, uh, well, glad I only tried it once! But one day you'll get there. You've done well to get this far, don't underestimate the importance of that. Also, it takes time to not care about food so much, sometimes a lot of time and that's okay. Just don't give yourself a hard time about it.
Love you and praying xo
I love that you believe you will one day be fully recovered. I agree with you. It seems like SO many doctors, psychologists and healthcare professionals have told me that recovery is a life-long process and no one is ever 'fully recovered' -- similar to "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" referring to sober people still being alcoholics. I think, though, that it IS possible to be 100% fully recovered. I sometimes think that I will be fighting this for the rest of my life in order to stay recovered, but that it would be silly to say that no one can ever recover. It's refreshing to read someone else's words that say recovery is possible too.
Also, just another thought: I don't think I find eating 'fun' either. However, sometimes I do enjoy eating with people -- maybe that is close enough to eating being 'fun'??
What would I do without your virtual support : ) ?
Tiger,
You're a wonderful person who deserve the most wonderful life. :)
Angela
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