18 May 2011

Love, Hope and (Un)bearable Uncertainties

And thus the story continues...

I thought I was ready to move on and accept that my marriage was over, and that there was nothing I could do about it. Then David returned to Michigan about one month ago. We have seen each other often, and these have been wonderful, intimate times together for the most part. Each moment with him feels precious because I am not certain of the future.

I know that he loves me, and I love him. Neither one of us can imagine being with anyone else. And David says he will always love me, and wants me in his life forever. I know I will always love him, he is too deep in my heart.

But will our life be as husband and wife? I do not know. We are undergoing marriage counseling right now, and it seems to help both of us. We are learning to listen to each other, and some of the things we have talked about surprised me.

One of the things David wanted me to hear is that I am very intelligent, accomplished, and a wonderful writer and it puzzles him that I am so lacking in self-confidence. Another thing he mentioned is that I am so worried about the future that I fail to "live in the moment."

I've been thinking about those two things a lot lately, and realize he is right on both counts. I struggle to be confident, and I do often worry about the future. I often later find out that those worries were unfounded, and a waste of valuable energy and time.

Why? Knowing I have a tendency toward self-sabotaging behavior does help me understand a bit more how I developed anorexia at 42. But I have so much to learn in order to grow and completely heal.

But I believe I can overcome these traits, and live a joyful life free from anorexia and overwhelming anxiety. And I still believe that life can be lived with David. Right now he needs time and he needs to see me healthy. I pray his heart will remain open to the possibility of us being together, of the beautiful life we can still build together.

I know he's afraid. I am afraid. But I refuse to give into fear, and truly believe I can do "all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I have so much hope for the future. Hope for myself. Hope for us. Hope that this will be "happily ever after." After all the pain of the past four years, I believe we deserve it.

But sometimes I feel as if God keeps throwing lessons at me. First there is the uncertainty of my marriage. Graduate school also has some uncertainties, as the chair of my thesis committee is leaving the university and now I need to find someone new to work with. I am planning on going on a mission trip in June, and I feel some uncertainity about how I can serve Christ while there.

However, that isn't the biggest uncertainty right now. I went for my yearly check-up yesterday. I was very proud because I have reached and maintained my goal weight for months. The last time my family doctor saw me, I weighed about 25 pounds less and I was getting ready to go into PHP as a last-ditch effort to conquer anorexia.

My family doctor did notice, and was quite happy. She knew I was relatively healthy because of my monthly blood tests ordered by my eating disorders doctor.

Then the check-up began...and she found some lesions that could possibly be cancerous. I am being sent to the gynecologist to be checked. I didn't take it seriously at first, and asked if it could wait until after the July mission trip because I have so many other things I'd rather do than go see another doctor. No. I have to go in the next few weeks.

Somewhere, I hear Alanis Morrisette singing, "Isn't it ironic??...."


Jess said...

You will be in my thoughts and prayers, Angela <3

Sensory Overload said...


You continue to amaze me with the perseverance you present. I hope that the HOPES you yourself have come to pass even if they transpose in shape/feel throughout time and space.

It is concerning that you have some medical issues that have arisen, but keep an open mind and I pray for you the very best that all will be well.

No matter what does come to pass; embrace that you are a knowing, powerful soul, who has much to offer. Your intuitive state of being is a trustworthy guide and I hope you will lean/depend upon this in the times when there is great questioning.

Thank you for sharing all that you do. May you feel the blessings of each new day upon you and find solace in the growth that you have created and come to nourish.

With light.


Ashley said...

You're always in my prayer. Do keep us posted about the lesions. I do worry! :) Hugs.

I agree with the poster up above about your preserverance. You have a gift for writing and it shows through your blog posts. It's beautiful, and touching.

You will overcome obstacles in your life. You are meant to learn from them so you will grow spiritually and mentally. You are destined for bigger things in your life.


I Hate to Weight said...

i am so very happy that you and David are working together. this is wonderful news.

i've had worrisome pap smears/exams and things were all right in the end. i pray you get the same results

my sense with these issues is that if the doctor is truly very concerned, they tell you to go then or tomorrow, not in the next few weeks. my friend's doctor saw something and sent him right for tests.

i'm thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

just to let you know that you are *always* in my heart, thoughts, and prayers dear friend!!! <3 <3 <3

Anonymous said...

that comment was made by me. ^^^ Robin lol.

Missy said...

Oh my goodness, I really hope everything is ok at the doc.
I think it is great you and your husband are journeying and learning together and wherever the two of you end up (whatever that may be) you both will be at peace with things. I really believe that.

belinda said...

hope is underrated.
i am glad that you and david are still pursuing a form of a relationship that many would leave behind. whatever the future holds, it will be right for you both.
the journey through anorexia is tough not only on us but our loved ones too. i can see shimmers in you, your confidence building. you can do this.

i'm sorry to hear you have some medical check ups to follow up on and i wish you well with your results.

keep fighting the good fight love.

sarahlynn said...

Thinking of you, petal...

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog, and your struggle and your successes inspire me. I wish you the best, and a future of health! You are in my thoughts.