09 April 2011

I am not alone

Hope is the dream of a soul awake. ~ French proverb

I am not alone. Christ surrounds me every minute with His love and grace. I am forever grateful for His mercy during these times of struggle and change.

I am learning to live again. Being alone for long periods of time have shown me that I have only been half alive for years. Why?

Sickness, a disintegrating marriage, a slew of changes and losses during the past five years....first, the loss of myself as I became entangled with the illogical illness of anorexia. Then frantic attempts to become what I felt David wanted as I slowly recovered and grew stronger both in body and mind, and yet he drew further and further away. Leaving my career as a journalist to attend graduate school, and the subsequent adjustments to academia and trying to fit in to that world.

I am learning to trust that my intelligence and strength will see me through wherever God takes me. I never thought my marriage would end, but it has and I accept that and continue to move forward. I have hope for the future, and its infinite possibilities. I know I will never be alone no matter what happens, and to finally feel Christ's presence so fully is a joy that is indescribable.

Not that it has been easy. I have cried many times during the past three months, and prayed for God to lift the depression and anxiety as I contemplate unraveling fifteen years of dreams and hopes. As I look around my house and the tangle of possessions — David's paintings, my books; a life built that now must be torn down — I sometimes feel overwhelmed. I want to just give everything away, pack my clothes, and go somewhere were I am not known as David's wife or a former reporter or a recovering anorexic or all the other roles I have filled that I now must leave behind...A place where I can be free.

I am not alone. Christ is with me throughout all this. He is with me when I wake up in the middle of the night, still confused about all that has happened in the past year. He is with me each time I must tell one more person about the break-up of my marriage, that David is never coming back to Michigan and he has left it to me to tell all of our friends. He is with me when I still sometimes ask myself if I am a failure, if something is wrong with me and if I am an awful person who drove away her husband because she was so stupid to develop anorexia in her forties. I don't always believe these things of myself; they are just unbidden thoughts.

Christ was with me when I decided on December 28, 2010 that I would overcome anorexia and live a full life, one filled with joy and happiness. He was with me when I kept eating and gaining weight, and when I struggled with that and had to tell myself that health and freedom were worth the pain of recovery. I have told myself I will not settle for anything less than full freedom from anorexia. I become more free every day, and anorexia is beginning to seem like a distant memory.

I am not alone.


Anonymous said...

No sweetie, you are not alone, you have friends, wonderful friends, who love you and support you on this journey as you become whole and healthy. Friends who rejoice with you as they see you eat a piece of black tie mousse pie!!!! Friends who rejoice with you when they see and hear that anorexia is mentioned less and less in conversation!!!! No, you have the love of your family, quirky as they are, the love of your friends, and as you know, the love of Christ, who is the most important of any and all loves!!!! I love you and wish you nothing but love and happiness my dear friend!!!

xxoo Robin

Lisa said...

you're not alone. you can do this. you have a lot of support. this is possible. hang in there

I Hate to Weight said...

Perfect. Wonderful.

I am so glad you know this -- you are most definetely not alone.

You are amazing and wonderful.

Thank you for this beautiful post. I get a lot from it for my own struggles.


Dae said...

Keep up the good work!

God bless,

Ashley said...

I think you are a powerful and strong woman.

Being alone can be a positive experience in itself. It is often seen as a negative aspect and to be avoided.

But being alone can really bring you in touch with yourself deeply and discover something within you.

Keep up great work.


Anonymous said...

I am a silent reader, who posted one comment before a long time ago about getting rid of your scale. Since we have the EXACT same date as our 'shift of minds', I just wanted to let you know how proud you should feel of yourself. You have already reached so much more than I have to this point, and that makes me terribly jealous, yet I also see you as a great motivation. Even though our startingdates are equal, you're way ahead. Thats frustrating but also inspiring. You are a great example and proof of recovery. Thank you for that

Missy said...

I love that you a finding comfort in Christ. Sometimes I lie in my bed and imagine my "bed" is like the palm of God's hand and I just try and let loose. Relax, cry, snooze, FEEL in a safe environment.
It feels really good.

PS- Thank you SO much for your recent words left on my blog. <3