10 September 2010

A prayer and a promise

"My soul glorifies the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God, my Savior." The Magnificat

A prayer

Hear my cries, O Lord!

I will prevail only
With Your mercy
and kindness

Fill my spirit
With courage
and hope

Free me
From this evil
I fight every day

Surround me with your light,
and protection

Know that I am
your servant
And I glorify your name


It is only through the Lord's grace and mercy that I am slowly recovering from anorexia. It is very hard to eat sometimes, and there are moments when I want to give up. It is hard to eat meals, and oddly harder to eat alone than with others.

Each morning begins with breakfast of yogurt and granola, and recently some added pecans or walnuts for more calories and healthy fats. I now pray at each meal, a simple prayer that the food will nourish me and allow me to become healthy. I am actually hungry at breakfast time, and thus it is my favorite meal of the day.

My other two meals vary, usually a sandwich and yogurt or pudding for lunch and some type of pasta with meat and bread and butter for dinner. Then there is the three bottles of Ensure Plus and I have added a mid-afternoon snack since my metabolism is quite active and my weight gain will plateau if I don't add more calories.

I don't exactly count calories, as I find that still too triggering and reminiscent of the days I was enmeshed in anorexia, but I have a rough idea from years of constant vigilance over what I ate.

I am amazed I can eat the amount of food I have been eating for the past two weeks without major anxiety. It still feels as if anorexia has died within me, although the enemy (and that is what my doctor says anorexia is) tries to fight back and make me feel bad for eating "so much." I pretty much tell the eating disorder voice (I will no longer give *it* a name because it does not deserve one) to shut up and that I'm not going to listen.

I have to make sure I don't tell myself to shut up while in public. :) (I suppose I have done this a few times. I don't really care what people think.)

Another amazing thing is to step on the scale and want to gain weight. I plan on getting rid of the scale in the future, but right now with things still in flux I need to make sure I'm not losing. Dr. Sackeyfio told me today I could plateau or lose because of the additional stress and feelings I am going through, and that I will most likely need to add even more food/calories to my day.

I can do it. I am doing it. There are times I miss David so badly . . . But I tell myself this is the only way to any kind of life. He still is a strong source of support, telling me he is proud of me and celebrating with me when I had cookies with dinner just because I wanted to have cookies.

Then there is his promise — that if I stay healthy, we will get back together. Hope fills my soul each time I think of his words. There are times I am impatient and I want us to be together now.

Then I wonder . . . I have been battling anorexia nervosa for four years, and this is the third time I have made a concerted effort to become healthy. Maybe God wanted to make sure this was my recovery. Maybe He wants me to believe in myself; that I am strong and capable and able to do this.

And each day, I do believe more in myself. I still cry and feel lonely, and I might feel this way whether David was here all the time or not. Refeeding is a very emotional and lonely time, and there is no way out except for through.

"The Almighty works marvels for me.
Holy his name!
His mercy is from age to age . . ."


I Hate to Weight said...

oh, angela. you are wonderful. this is such hard work you are doing. and don't forget your own grace in all of this.

i am inspired by you. thank you.

it is gloriously clear how much David loves you.

as i said, you are wonderful

Anonymous said...

I am so damn proud of you, I have the biggest smile on my face, I am about to bust!!!! I still pray for you and David each and every day. I just don't know what else to say. ((((angela))))) xxoo Robin

Kelly J. said...

When you first wrote about David leaving, I have to say I was pretty upset with him. I couldn't imagine him doing that to you. It's clear to me now that it was the ultimate act of love. He was willing to give you up (for a while) because it was what you needed to move forward in your recovery. I was afraid you'd fall apart with him gone, but you've just gotten stronger and stronger. I'm so proud of you.

lifeafteranorexia said...

I'm glad to hear you're making a real effort to rid yourself of anorexia and it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job. I love that faith motivates and helps to heal you. Throughout my recovery (and everything else in life) I've found religion so necessary. Sometimes beating ED seems so impossible, but all things are possible through Christ. I remind myself of that everyday--"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Good luck to you and stay strong!

Sensory Overload said...

Go Angela Go!

You are truly inspiring.

Thank you for sharing all that you have and all that you do.

Be well.


lisalisa said...

Awesome! You are kicking butt!

Nicole said...

Angela, I am so impressed with you and your amazing strength. My pastor once said that some answers cannot be given, they can only be found. I think that is beautiful and true. And I think it is applicable to recovery. Although others can give us guidance in recovery, nobody can just hand it over to us. We all find our own paths to recovery and we all find our own paths through recovery.

I wish you luck and strength and peace as you continue to find your paths and your answers.

Lots of love <3

Karita said...

You're doing so well, your posts are really making me smile. You're in my prayers. *Hugs*

Angela said...

You are doing so well, and I'm so inspired to read this! Keep on fighting. I know you can do this:)