31 August 2010

Alone

My husband has left me. Because of my anorexia. Because he couldn't handle it. It was too much for him.

I understand. It is too much for me. He said he would consider getting back together if I got better. Right now my heart aches. I miss him so much. This house is not a home without David. I don't know how to live here without him.

I hurt so much. I feel destroyed.

Anorexia has destroyed everything. I have learned too late . . . I hate anorexia with all my heart.

I miss him . . .

21 comments:

flaweddesign said...

oh hun.... :( this makes my heart ache for you. i don't know what else to say. i hate anorexia!

sarahlynn said...

*softfeatherhugs* Gosh. I am so sorry you're going through this like this. I want you to get better so badly, but I know it takes real, hard, long work.

I want to hate him, but I can't. You don't, and I understand. I have lost friends because they couldn't deal with my eating disorder, girlfriends because their own weight issues got pushed by mine. My sister, completely unfairly, lost her boyfriend because the heavy drama of his girlfriend's panic over an eating disordered sister and mother was too much for him.

I can imagine their side.

But I wish with all of me that this hadn't happened. I just want to make things better for you. Send you cards and letters and flashcards of cheer and encouragement, hugs or if you don't Do Hugs, Company. It is going to be rough, and I'm worried for you. Do you have a plan in mind and a motivation inside to not let this push you even further into the anorexia? If you don't, yet, talk to your therapist, your doctor, your best friend. Whoeverwhatever. Don't be alone. You aren't alone. You have people there willing to be there with and for you, still. I know it. They will help you get through this, and if He is waiting afterwards - wonderful. If he isn't - you will be better than you are.

Try not to let despair drown you.

I'll be thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

Your husband didn't leave you because of your eating disorder, he left because of his inability to "fix"it for you. It is frustrating to watch someone going thru this disease and not be able to do anything. Try not to beat yourself up over it, I know you are terribly upset and I really feel for you, I have lost so much to this disease. People (us included) make our own choices and they are not driven by what we have done to them. I know that probably doesn't console you right now but trust me you don't need to add more "blame" to your situation. Concentrate on getting what you need to accelerate your recovery and life will fall into place.
Thinking of you.

Kelly J. said...

I'm so sorry, Angela. I'm praying for you. And for David.

Zena said...

Im so sorry angela, Im so sorry...I dont know if this is any confort but could he have been perhaps told to leave to you so that you would hit rock bottom...I know Mike was encouraged to leave me so that I would have no choice but to get well and get my family back, he never did leave,and I stayed sick for a long long time, I know it hurts so much, but can you use this at all to fight the AN, Lose the disease and get back the husband, not that its anywhere near as simple as that, but if you look at it like that then its a win win situation, dont let AN get more power from this, he said if you recover he may come home, its not you he cant deal with anymore...its the ANOREXIA, fight even harder, hate the disease even more, you will win, you will, dont give up even though its probablly all you want to do right now.

LIVE

Sensory Overload said...

Angela - I don't think there are words to offer you in comfort. I hope that you are able to see that you need to give YOU the care and attention you so deserve.

Reach out to those that you are able to who DO offer you the support you need and are willing to accept.

You will remain in my thoughts, prayers and hopes for goodness to find you and you accepting of it.

With light and warmth.

-n

I Hate to Weight said...

i am so, so sorry. so very sorry.

what are you doing to take care of yourself? are you staying with anyone

i am praying for you and thinking about you.

keep writing. we are all with you.

I Hate to Weight said...

please, don't let anorexia win. it doesn't own you.

notpollyanna said...

Oh Angela, my heart breaks for you. I don't condemn or condone what your husband did, I imagine his is a very hard position to be in, I have no idea what the "right" course of action would be for him. I wish I could sit with you and hug you for hours on end and we could eat cheese and tomato sandwiches together (or whatever else).

I wish the agony of ambivalence between eat and starve were louder or more visible. That it is silent and invisible sometimes seems cruel; makes us look like we aren't trying to get better when we are really being savagely torn in two by our own psyches.

Eating Alone said...

Praying for you. They guy in me wants to just fix it but I can't.

Please don't let this sink you further into Ana land.

lisalisa said...

I am so sorry. I just don't understand it. A husband would probably never even consider leaving a wife who was stricken with cancer. I wish people would realize that mental illnesses are no-fault illnesses. Grrr.

You are not alone. We all care for you. Even though I dont always comment I always read your posts and think about you and pray for you. Stay strong my friend!

Tiger said...

Oh, Angela.
Thinking of you, praying.

Much love.

Angela said...

I'm so very sorry that this has happened! My heart just aches for you. Sending {{{HUGS}}} Keep fighting this disease. Do it for yourself, because you deserve a better life.

Danielle said...

AW i'm so sorry/: ED sucks. But don't blame yourself. Blame the disease. You can get better and you can get your life back. Just imagine it happening and it will happen.

Bailey said...

use the pain of missing him to remind yourself you are so much more than your ED... you are someone who loves....not eating won't make this better..you're in my prayers

Lisa said...

oh babe, I wish I could send some hope/happiness your way. anything. anorexia hasn't taken everything away. there is still hope. you can get your life back. please please remember it is not too late

stay strong
-Lisa

lifeafteranorexia said...

I'm so sorry, sweetie. I know that it hurts so much "sorry" doesn't really help. I hope you can use the pain you're feeling now to fight against anorexia. Channel it into recovery and into making yourself happy and healthy and strong.

It's never too late.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Jessie said...

I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry. I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs.

xoxo

Tia said...

My heart goes out to you...
I am afraid to get close to anyone for fear of this exact thing happening to me... I wish I could say i don't understand, but I do, all too well ((hugs))
Dietcolagirl

I Hate to Weight said...

angela, how are you? if you have a chance, please let us know. i've been thinking about you a lot and worrying and wondering.

hope you are taking some good care of yourself and finding support in friends and family.

sending love and support and such healthy wishes your way.

love,

melissa

Tiptoe said...

I'm very late to this, but just want to say I can only imagine the pain you feel. It is really sad when people leave of at a time of need, but we all have to do those things that are the best for us at that particular time. It doesn't make it any easier nor fair.

I hope you have support through this difficult time and are taking care of yourself.