14 February 2012

Not sure what to write...

***Warning-Could Be Triggering***
I'm not sure what to write. First, because I am struggling internally. Second, I am afraid of triggering someone.

But the truth is that I am yet again at the point in recovery from anorexia that makes me want to give up. I have poor body image, and all I see when I look in the mirror is FAT. Now, please don't get me wrong. I really despise the word fat because I think it is used to hurt people, particularly people who may be struggling with their weight. I also don't judge other people based upon their weight; I reserve that for beating myself up. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way I treat myself at times...

Anyway, I haven't written because I am eating and watching my stomach grow and my thighs spread and fighting the uncomfortable feelings of being inside my body with all this flesh and roundness. I miss my thin body; the flat stomach and slim thighs that did not touch; wearing a size zero and having that hang loosely on my diminished butt; the incredible feeling of being empty...

Except I wasn't happy. I was dying. I stood to lose everything. I hated myself and the world around me. I am much more lively and attuned to the world around me. My curiosity has returned, and I am reading such things as Barack Obama's book, Dreams From My Father, and Jodi Picoult's novel, Sing You Home. I am finally beginning to enjoy some foods; the melting butter on a warm waffle, the creaminess of soy milk, the garlic taste of hummus, and more.

Quite simply, anorexia frankly bores me. I lived in such a narrow world when I was anorexic. I wasn't aware of anything around me, and I didn't care for much of anything except the all-pervasive counting of calories and stepping on the scale each morning, praying that the number is right so I could have a good day. Now my scale is in the trash, buried in the local dump under a ton or more of trash where it belongs. I can breathe again.

But if so, why do I still question recovery? Why do I still think of ways to starve myself? Why am I so very afraid much of the time???

I do not know...


Ashley Noelle said...

Fat is not a physical sensation. It is a cover for how you are feeling. When you think of "fat", then it is probably because you are very afraid, and Anorexia covers that up by using the word "fat". Makes sense?

Who says that Recovery is easy? It is not! It sucks especially in the beginning. I do remember that feeling. I broke down and cried over my "sick" clothes because I was starting not to fit in them. Every time I saw myself in the mirror, I cried, and I hated it. Trust me, with a lot of help and endurance; that passed, and my thinking slowly changed. My fear became into determination to beat my ED.

Anorexia has made you very, very sick. Anorexia is not willing to let you go without a fight. She has had her grip on you for SO long and you've allowed her to become a BIG part of who you are. This is why you are struggling right now.

Don't be ashamed to share how you feel. That is your struggles that we can all relate to on a deep level. Allow yourself go through these feelings. It is the first step of kicking Anorexia's butt. I already see that you are saying that Anorexia is boring, so narrow, and you're enjoying things you've not enjoyed before. THAT IS A START.

Never, Never, Never give up! Keep going even if it hurts.


neonorangeds said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're having to struggle with these thoughts a lot lately. Keep fighting them, and they will lessen and you will grow stronger. One thing that might help a little bit is, if you don't already, consider exercising a little bit (a.k.a. healthy amount) each day. Just take a walk, or something like that, and remind yourself that your thighs are growing stronger -- that this new size is healthy and you are fit. If you already exercise a bit each day, then remind yourself that this size will give you strength and that you are gaining muscle as well. I think the exercise recommendation for adults is something like 30 min per day and that includes walking to-and-from places, climbing stairs and, basically, any physical activity. I'm fairly certain that you probably already get this much exercise and therefore you should embrace the newfound strength your body is gaining. I don't know if this is at all helpful, but it something that helped me when I feared my new body as I recovered.

I love to hear that even though you may struggle with thoughts, you are quick to point out how many more pleasurable activities there are in life without anorexia.

Stay strong ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

I can relate to fear and for me anxiety but I think in the past you stated that also. It is so hard to be so fearful of life in general. The more I face my fears and anxiety the easier it becomes because I see I can cope in a healthy way.
When I get the more intense fears/anxiety I try to look at what is the worst that can happen if it comes true? Often if I break it down it seems less scary.
I also remind myself that if I use the ed to cope with this that the cycle just continues and I can never adjust.
Glad to hear you are seeing positives in recovery and that is a good reminder in times like this.
Stay strong.

Agrace12 said...

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Heather K. said...

Wow. Angela, I can really, really, really relate to all that you share. I think it' so hard to admit struggling when we are also so caught up in advocacy, so for that I commend you - it is so utterly courageous. Thank you Ashley, for your words. I believe that we have to just keep pushing through the horrible feelings and trust the process. Allow ourselves to be in the moment and to feel all that comes around us to just embrace it without needing to know the RIGHT thing to do. You are never alone.

Cheryl Rawson said...

Angela, this is such a brave post. Thank you for being so open and honest. And as a lot of other women have written here, I can completely relate. Anorexia is a tricky con-man. It haunted me for years after I dedicated myself to recovery. But I know you can do this! Your strength is evident in the way you write. One resource that I found really helfpul was http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-eda Hope it may help you the way it helped me. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.