25 January 2012

Saying goodbye (again)

            I will be filing for divorce this spring, and frankly it still hurts.
            But in my heart, I know that this is the right thing. We simply aren't able to give each other what we need. David needs his freedom to create his art. I need someone to love and cherish me, to stay by my side no matter what and to share both the joys and troubles of life with me. Simply put, there was nothing left for us to give each other as husband and wife.
            I still love David, but more and more I realize it is not David I miss—because I was very anxious around him this summer, and often felt within me that reconciliation was not going to happen—but companionship; the fun of having someone to do things with and be with.
            I'm not sure how any of this happened, for once I believed that we would be together forever. I never expected to change my name again; not for the reasons I did. But there are a few days, I look at my new name and think, I can become who I once was—courageous, curious, strong, independent, often fearless, and someone who loved people and being part of their lives. That a whole new life awaits me, if only I have the courage to live the life that I have instead of mourn forever the life I once lived.
            I simply know that it is over, and even though my heart is broken, it will mend one day. And I will look back at the pain of the last few years and it won't hurt as much.
            And then I will be healed, and able to move forward...


Ashley Noelle said...

You are right. Your heart will heal. You will move on. This happened for a reason and the reason may not become clear until much later. I'm glad you are recognizing all the wonderful traits about yourself because it's all true!


Sensory Overload said...

Angela : I can relate to much of what you've shared.

I hope you know this much; trusting yourself and your heart will always be that space that will lead you to where you are to be.

What you once believed to be may have transposed; does not mean that YOU will not realize and know your truth. Just KEEP DOING YOU.

David has been part of this process and will always hold a space sacred for you and he; but that doesn't mean there is something more or/and beyond what you've know.

Keep "doing you" and may you find that the light of each new day is for yours to hold.

With support.

Heather K. said...

Oh Angela, I can't even express how much I relate to this. My former fiance and I had the same problem. We were not a proper fit, but the ache of his companionship still stings, but I remind myself that I am being healed alone, because that is what I need to do. When I am able to function in a healthy relationship and be present fully, I will meet the right person. So, will you!