14 March 2011


For the love of God, I need a break. I feel as if everything is crashing down upon me and I am going to be buried and suffocating under the deluge.
I want to run away from all these responsibilities. The house. The bills. The damn cat and her litter box. The betta fish that barely moves and yet requires clean distilled water in his tank each week. My graduate studies in which I can barely stir an interest in — do I really care about multigenre or segmented essays? My anxieties and depression. The still-cold Michigan weather and the fact that I still see SNOW on the damn ground. The fact that in fact, I am alone. The loneliness and fear that this is all my life will be EVER.
Did I mention the bills? I am afraid to check the mail, because oops, there's another bill.
I can't wait for spring, to get out there and shoot a few dozen arrows at some choice imaginary targets.
The one good thing — I haven't stopped eating. The last thing I need is to starve and feel like crap again. No way. Not ever.
Okay, my rant is over. (So I can't remain Pollyanna positive all the time. The title of this post was stolen from another blog written by someone who sounds more overwhelmed than I do.)


belinda said...

can i just say...
except im in australia and the sun has been shining but apart from that i am feeling the deluge and part of me is feeling nothing. strange huh?

good work on keeping up with your intake, it's really hard when things seem chaotic.


Sensory Overload said...

It is good and cathartic to rant. To let go of the pent up thoughts, emotions and swirls of energy that need a release.

I live in the Midwest as well and the sight of snow, even though fading, is still like a taunting bully.

Give yourself credit where it is due Angela. You are still DOING. You continue to address the responsibilities even if you feel a want to be rid of them all.

I send hopes and warm thoughts your way that you will find a break that will bring you the respite you need.

Be well.


Ashley said...

Oh rant away! It's okay to just pour out the grumpiness, crankiness, or just plain ugh out onto the blog pages. It's healthier to pour it out than to hold it in.

I understand your frustration with the weather--it's so cold and there's still snow on the ground here in WI...grr.

BUT...I am proud of you because I see that you are STILL EATING. This is a 180 degrees change from when I first started reading your blog, and I agree with -N; give yourself credit where it is due.

Thinking of you. Hugs.

Susu Paris Chic said...

You can do it, courageous lady! Just keep on eating healthily, and keep on living. Days come and go. After a while, your spirits will lift again. Hugs!

Ladyhawk said...

You are describing LIFE, Angela! The good, the bad and the UGLY!!! Good for you for continuing to eat and not use anorexia to escape from the feelings!!! I'm proud of you!


Angela said...

You are coping without your eating disorder, and that is so courageous! Ranting is you not bottling up your emotions, and being honest with the world. How many of us with eating disorders fake it with the world everyday...wearing a mask to hide the pain. When we are depressed it is hard to find the motivation to even do the things we love. Can you find at least one thing that you used to love to do, and just do it. Sending you {{{hugs}}} You will get through this!

Kristina said...

Hang in there!!

Missy said...

I wish I could come and give you a shoulder massage.

Pen said...

Oh I hear ya! And when I am in that "ranting" mode I also tend to think "why does Everything go wrong", "why does Everything happen to me", "Why do I even bother to try!" It's all negative and stupid but must admit it feels good to get it out. I tend to do this and say this stuff when I'm all alone so maybe the trick is to actually vent to Someone! Glad to hear you're NOT letting ED back in!

Zena said...

rant away my love, rant away...we love you no matter what, screw polyanna just be you!!!

Tiger said...

thank you for your kind comment :] there is a time for all things... hopefully your time for a break is soon!

Kristina said...

How are things going for you?
Please, update the blog when you can!
Keep fighting!