17 July 2010

Discovery (anorexia and lost dreams)

I have thrown away my life.
Each day I struggle to get out of bed. I try to find meaning to my life. I wonder why I am here and why I should eat and recover from anorexia?

I cried this morning - as I have cried many mornings since January as I have tried to release the grip this illness has had on me. But today it hit me I am grieving. I am grieving the fact that I have never had children; I thoughtlessly threw away a gift of God's, I rejected the life I could have given to another and never gave it a second thought.

Until now. At age 45. How stupid can I be?

I remember the hopes of last fall. I knew God would answer my prayers and give us a child. I knew that at 44, a miracle could still happen. I closed my eyes to stories of failed attempts and miscarriages, and dreamed of the child my husband and I would create. I was convinced in December I was pregnant - I had several symptoms, and besides, God would listen to my prayers and grant me a Christmas miracle, wouldn't he.

Then came January. An unusual period dubbed "a possible miscarriage." Hope died. No longer did I have any reason to keep eating and continue with recovery; I was 44 and reality slapped me in the face. I might have once been fertile and been able to bear children, but that was no more as my weight once again dropped into the 90s.
Prayer. Does God even hear me?

I realized this morning I am still grieving for that lost dream. I brought it up while I was in PHP and was told to forget about it, tell myself I didn't have a miscarriage and move on. How can you move on when you continuously wonder if life slide out of you? How can you heal when you attempt to bury feelings that you can't even name?

But I tried to last winter. I tried to bury it by restricting and cutting. I tried to forget the lovely dreams of the fall, which brought my husband and I closer together as we both hoped that it wasn't too late.

But of course it was. Even if I was pregnant - and the uncertainty continues to haunt me - I was most likely too low in weight to sustain a healthy pregnancy and child.

I think God knew what he was doing. First He prevent or stopped a pregnancy, and then made sure that I spiraled downward until there was no chance I could become pregnant.

I know that might sound sacrilegious. But I can't help my thoughts. And right now I am angry with both myself and God.
Then this morning I realized why I continue to struggle to eat. Because I have lost all hope in having a child.
It is a dream denied. A dream that is dead. A dream killed by ambition and selfishness and anorexia.

Dead. Just like the dreams of recovery seem to be dead for so many with eating disorders.

I visited a friend in the hospital yesterday. She had been in a treatment center for six months and came home full of hope and passion about recovery. She has lost all the weight she gained during treatment, but the worst thing is she said she lost faith in herself.

This is how I feel. I have lost faith in myself to recover from anorexia. My blood tests continue to show damage, now to both my kidneys and possibly my colon.
I remember one author's theory of thirds regarding anorexia. She states one-third of anorexics will fully recover. One-third will partially recover. And one-third will never recover.

Today I decided the hell with it. I took my 2 p.m. Ativan with a Lortab, and then had two glasses of wine.

Anything to feel numb. Anything to not feel the pain of loss. Anything to not remember when hope was real and dreams seemed possible. Anything to not care anymore.

Because that's what I want. To not care anymore. Eat when I can. Don't when I can't. And stop trying to force recovery, that state which seems to elude all but the strongest.

I need to learn how to dream again. Otherwise, I will be lost.


Emmy said...

I so sorry you are feeling so sad and helpless. I hope that you can find new dreams, I do believe you can feel better and turn everything around, there is still time. Life is worth fighting for <3

Zena said...

"the state which seems to elude all but the strongest..." That is a lie from hell, Recovery is for us all, we are all strong enough to attempt to recover nd with each day that we make a "recovery" choice we are one step closer to being stong enough to fight a little harder against the demon, every boost/ensure you drink, every morsel you put into your mouth puts you one step closer to living your life again, a life that is worth living...and even IF your dreams of carrying a child are really truely dashed, there are still other ways to become a parent, a mother..a family, but you need to be healthy for that to happen...dont lose your faith angela, the war is not over, you are still here fighting the battle, and as far as I know god still answers prayers and grants miracles, sometimes his answer is yes, sometimes its no and sometimes the answer is NOT YET, ANGELA, our god is a god of mercy and grace, lean on him to help you heal, gather strength from him and remember that although he is always there, he also needs you to want to get better, so dont give up, all is not lost, you deserve life...and as I can tell you have about another 40 to 45 yrs to go...so its a little after dinner time, go grab something, sit down. pray and choose life today!!

Love, Tara

Kimber said...

Beautiful Angela! I send you so much love and support. So many people hold you in their hearts, even when you feel like you're not holding yourself. We'll hold you until you can hold yourself again.

Caroline said...

oh my goodness. please don't give up the fight. you are a good person, with so much to give. you may not be able to give it in the way you have hoped, but that doesn't mean you can't find a way. i know it feels as though God has forsaken you but you are here in this life for a reason. as painful as it is, i'm sure there is a blessing to found.

please take whatever strength you can find inside and give it to yourself... maybe even try to imagine yourself giving a gift of that strength to your own image... or if you can't quite do that, give it to the little girl in that picture, all smiling and covered in cake. give it to her because she deserves all of the love and strength you can give her. she is a child that you can care for. she is someone you can be a kind of mother to.

hugs to you... i'll be thinking of you and sending positive energy in your direction.

lisalisa said...

((big hug))

Anonymous said...

(((((angela)))))) xxxooo

Kryssy said...

You have the FAITH you've just MISPLACED that's all. You KNOW you want to FIGHT this as BADLY as I do. I know it's HARD but we can make it THROUGH this TOGETHER! I PROMISE you at LEAST that. 'She' IS NOT a friend she's the DEADEST we BOTH come crossed and you know that.

Kryssy said...

You have the FAITH you've just MISPLACED that's all. You KNOW you want to FIGHT this as BADLY as I do. I know it's HARD but we can make it THROUGH this TOGETHER! I PROMISE you at LEAST that. 'She' IS NOT a friend she's the DEADEST we BOTH come crossed and you know that.

Silly Girl said...

Please don't lose faith. There have been many moments you have given me hope. We all have so much to give. And you have a lot to give the world. So take it moment by moment but please don't give it. I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

you can do this. Think how much energy and will power it takes to be anorexic- You have this within you. It is there. You just need to find the way for you that will release this in a postive way. It is different for all of us. But i KNOW it is possible. xx

Bailey said...

I miscarried early in pregnancy because of my bulimia. Please find hope in knowing God holds us all in his hands. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I would like to exchange links with your site www.blogger.com
Is this possible?

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

To second Anonymous

I don't understand your question. What are you asking me? Please post something more understandable.