It's been a long time...
It has been more than a year since I've written anything on this blog. I decided to take a hiatus as I was in a new relationship and adjusting to a new job, plus I wasn't sure in what direction to take this blog.
Then this appeared in my mailbox today:
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Anorexia, assisted-suicide and injustice":
I have AN and found your post because I have suffered 35 relentless years and am looking for DAS. i do not think it is wrong, Perhaps you are not expendable but many out here are. No therapists take my insurance, I cannot find a Dr without a huge fight, my family can no longer help me and do not have a wish to anymore, I have been displaced and am facing homelessness, and frankly, the fight is gone. I am not able to fight the ED homeless.
I fought hard and it's a myth that you can keep fighting for no apparent reason. This will be the one selfish act of my life but will also be the one self directed act of my life, the only act I determine after 35 years of being yanked around without even a 30 minute rest. I am done.
The post the writer refers to was written five years ago. I have no way of finding this person. I can't find the IP address where the comment originated from, there are no traces of the person and I don't even know if the writer is a he or a she.
So I beg of you Anonymous, if you are still reading - please contact me at my e-mail at gambrel.angela@yahoo.com so I can talk to you. You are important.
No one is expendable, and I still believe that.
17 August 2015
30 March 2014
8 June 2006
8 June 2006
You left me...
Breaking the promises made
Before God and man
On 8 June 1996,
You said that you would
Love me forever
You PROMISED
Promises broken
are worse than
LIES
As I started to
Circle the Drain
Drowning in
Self-hatred
and
Anorexia
You turned
Away from
ME
Promises broken
are worse than
LIES
Three times
I felt
The Pain
of you
Leaving
You were always
a moving
Target
I never knew
thought
dreamed
imagined
That you would
Leave Me
And in leaving
Me
I was exposed to
Hurt
Pain
Predators
Assault
And worse of all...
Loneliness.
You left me
Crashing into
Walls
You left me
Twice
with a note
You said
You needed
Laughter
Why then
Didn't you try
To help me?
Offer me
Care and concern
Instead of
Indifference?
I was
Capable
of Learning
To
Laugh again...
But I needed
You
To help me
And
You left me
Long before
You
Walked out that
Door
The third time
I had to watch
You
Walk out
That Door
The third time
You left
After
An argument
About a motorcycle
Apparently
my concern
About YOUR
Safety
Was a
Capital Offense
A reason
To walk out
That Door
Once again.
AND
You left me
with your own
Legacy
A Legacy
That I am
Still
Trying to
Escape
My fears
Continue to
Circle me
Swirling
Throughout
My Mind
Leaving me
with
fear
self-doubt
depression
Anxiety
Strong enough
to kill
Me
Anxiety
Strong enough
to kill
Me
And very
Afraid
That I will
Never
Overcome
Your
Legacy
That I will
Never
Have a
Normal relationship
With any man.
Was that your intent?
After all,
why would
anyone else
Want to be with
Me
Since you
Left me
You said
Anorexia
Pushed you out
That Door
Is that true?
Or did you leave me
Long before
Walking out
That Door?
However,
I am a
Survivor
And I WILL
Overcome your
Legacy
I will
Have a normal life
With someone who
Cares about me
And keeps
Promises
23 March 2014
Cranky Old Man...A very eloquent, beautiful poem from Australia ❤
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Cranky Old Man
What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!
PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM (originally by Phyllis McCormack; adapted by Dave Griffith)
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart!
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Cranky Old Man
What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!
PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM (originally by Phyllis McCormack; adapted by Dave Griffith)
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart!
17 March 2014
I still believe....
I still believe...
Hope
Friendship
And laughter
The beauty of this world
The sweetness of a tiny little baby, just beginning his life
You have such sweet cheeks, Ryan Keith
You are this family's hope...
I still believe...
That my friends love me
That those who care will always be there.
I believe the promises that are made to me.........
I trust
I trust in the goodness of people
I trust that those who care for me, really won't hurt me...
I love the time spent
With friends
Laughing
Sharing our lives.
When you touch my face, I feel so cared for....
I believe...
And I will never stop
Not ever
Until I leave this earth
Of pain, and joy, and caring, and beauty....
I believe...
And that gives me strength
Hope
I will not live my life
in Fear
I live surrounded by hope and caring and laughter...
In spite of everything,
I feel so alive...
Alive...
I believe.
05 March 2014
This World I Live In...
"Come closer now
So you can lie
Right by my side..." ~ This Velvet Glove
It's 1:45 a.m. and I'm still awake. I'm thinking about many things. Some things I must be a bit cryptic about for privacy reasons, others maybe not.
First, my pending divorce. I recently wrote a very emotional and honest post, "I need an answer..." I want to be clear about something, though - David was never the right man for me. That may sound harsh, it may sound crass. But the truth must be told.
However, that doesn't mean that David is a bad person. He isn't. He was never abusive or cruel, and he stayed married to me for almost four years after we separated. Why did he do this? So I would have health insurance and be able to continue treatment for anorexia. Even though David couldn't deal with my anorexia, he clearly didn't want me to die from it.
Yes, divorce is heartbreaking. It can tear a person apart. When David first left me, I thought I would die. I wanted to die. I had never felt pain like I did when I realized he wasn't coming home, and I never want feel such pain again.
But I didn't die. Sometimes I wonder why, since I have a strong self-destructive streak at times. There was something within me that didn't want to die. And recently it occurred to me - I don't want to die. Ever. Whatever pain and hurt this world bring, it also brings beauty and joy and friendship and closeness. There is the silver moon at night, and the bright red sun in the early morning, and the sound of the birds in the quiet of the day. There is the sparkle of the snow and the glint of the rain and the light in someone's eyes as that person looks at you...
And yet, there is fear. I fear many things for this world, and as the standoff continues between the Russians and Ukrainians, I fear for war. For I have seen firsthand the destruction of war when I attended many military funerals; young men cut down, young men who had been full of hope and life. Young men who had families and dreams and wives and girlfriends.
The world must try to avoid war. That may be a futile hope of mine, but it is one of my core values.
And so I pray for this world I live in. I pray for peace and hope. I pray for the people of Ukraine. I pray that this world will be around long enough for me to truly live.
As for the rest? I can only say I am ready to live again, and I want it all. And I will be fine.
So you can lie
Right by my side..." ~ This Velvet Glove
It's 1:45 a.m. and I'm still awake. I'm thinking about many things. Some things I must be a bit cryptic about for privacy reasons, others maybe not.
First, my pending divorce. I recently wrote a very emotional and honest post, "I need an answer..." I want to be clear about something, though - David was never the right man for me. That may sound harsh, it may sound crass. But the truth must be told.
However, that doesn't mean that David is a bad person. He isn't. He was never abusive or cruel, and he stayed married to me for almost four years after we separated. Why did he do this? So I would have health insurance and be able to continue treatment for anorexia. Even though David couldn't deal with my anorexia, he clearly didn't want me to die from it.
Yes, divorce is heartbreaking. It can tear a person apart. When David first left me, I thought I would die. I wanted to die. I had never felt pain like I did when I realized he wasn't coming home, and I never want feel such pain again.
But I didn't die. Sometimes I wonder why, since I have a strong self-destructive streak at times. There was something within me that didn't want to die. And recently it occurred to me - I don't want to die. Ever. Whatever pain and hurt this world bring, it also brings beauty and joy and friendship and closeness. There is the silver moon at night, and the bright red sun in the early morning, and the sound of the birds in the quiet of the day. There is the sparkle of the snow and the glint of the rain and the light in someone's eyes as that person looks at you...
And yet, there is fear. I fear many things for this world, and as the standoff continues between the Russians and Ukrainians, I fear for war. For I have seen firsthand the destruction of war when I attended many military funerals; young men cut down, young men who had been full of hope and life. Young men who had families and dreams and wives and girlfriends.
The world must try to avoid war. That may be a futile hope of mine, but it is one of my core values.
And so I pray for this world I live in. I pray for peace and hope. I pray for the people of Ukraine. I pray that this world will be around long enough for me to truly live.
As for the rest? I can only say I am ready to live again, and I want it all. And I will be fine.
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